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still around... saw old T today

Posted by wishingstar on June 27, 2006, at 20:08:38

Just letting everyone know I'm still around and reading, just not doing a lot of posting here lately. Sorry about that. I just am putting on such an act for the world right now (since my teaching job started) that I've really turned off the emotional side of myself. Unfortunately, it isnt turning off quite as easily as it used to, and some of the hurt of staying with my parents for 2 months (where I am currently am) and putting on such an act is coming through. I just dont have the energy to be real with anyone anymore.

I saw my old T (not my current one, who is in my town) today... the one I saw several years ago. She is the complete opposite of my regular T, who doesnt like to push for feelings, is very non-confrontive, wont call me on anything... old T DOES push, and DOES confront.. but in a good way where I know she still cares and wants what's best for me. She told me today (first time I've seen her in years) how she admires me for being so ambitious and resourceful when it comes to finding treatment. It was really nice to hear. However, she also suggested that I'm not doing enough to help myself get into a better situation in some ways, and didnt sugarcoat it.. it was hard to hear, but I think that's what I need from her. I definitely felt defensive at the time, and was almost in tears.. but it definitely brought up the feelings for me, and that's what I'm always wanting to do.

At the end of the session, I told her a big secret. When I saw her several years ago, I was having a serious problem with SI. She never knew. But today, I told her about that and where I am currently with it.. and she was okay with it. She even told me her personal reaction when I asked. I really appreciate that she's willing to be a real person with me.. boundaries can feel too artificial sometimes (although I know theyre definitely necessary too).

So overall, even though I felt pretty defensive and very upset after how hard she pushed during the session, I left feeling pretty good. I know she really heard me. She asked if I want to come once or twice a week, which felt so good, because if shes offering twice a week, she really heard that I need her help. I've struggled with not feeling heard by my regular T. She even touched my back as I left the office today.. regular T would die before she ever touched me! I decided on only once a week, only because I have to take time off work to see her (I go during naptime.. I teach preschool). I cant really leave more than once a week, but I really wish I could.

I dont know what to think. I'm a little overwhelmed (and rambling.. sorry). One thing I was afraid of is that after seeing this woman again, my regular T wont seem as good when I go back. I hope that isnt true. I definitely do still miss my regular T, and I'm going to write her a letter in the next few days to let her know how I'm doing. I'm also afraid I'm jinxing things by posting about it.. I hope not. Oh well, just wanted to share and let you all know I'm still alive. Hurting, but holding it together for now.

Seeing my T today stirred up feelings and I'm feeling pretty bad tonight. A "bad" I dont know how to deal with. I'd been faking and pushing everything down for 2 weeks now, since I got to my parents house, but therapy stirred it all up. It's hard. How do you deal with all these feelings when you're in a place where any feelings at all are completely unacceptable? I journal some, but it just isnt enough.

Sorry this posting jumped all over the place. That's sort of how I'm feeling right now too. I guess it's almost my bed time.. another intense day with the preschoolers tomorrow.




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