Posted by Dinah on June 19, 2006, at 23:13:16
In reply to ((((((((((Dinah))))))))))) I'm sorry this happened (nm) » Dinah, posted by shrinking violet on June 19, 2006, at 22:10:42
The anxiety was just too much. I called him this morning and left a message of apology for my behavior and begging him to forgive me. I did tell him that I meant a lot of what I said, but I apologized for the meaner stuff.
I rescheduled my engagement for this Sunday and asked for my regular time slot.
I feel like I've let everyone down. :(
I'm so weak.
I think... I think he's the only one who really knows part of me. The part that others rarely see. The part that surprises the people who know me. He may be the only human in the world who really knows, or has ever known, that aspect of myself and fully accepts it. The needy unreasonable demanding childish part of me. My husband has borne it occasionally, certainly, but he doesn't care for that part of me. And who can blame him. I think it surprises and scares Babblers. I try to keep it from my son, but he sees it from time to time and it scares him.
But my therapist not only accepts that part of me, but he even finds it valuable and worthwhile. He'll admit that it annoys him at times, but swears that that's because of what's going on in his life, not because I'm unacceptable.
I think that part of me is terrified of being alone, without anyone, if I lose my therapist. And on a very visceral level, is afraid of obliteration and annhilation without someone who recognizes it and accepts it.
So I think the fear is fear of death. If not on a whole systems or bodily level, then at least death of that part of me. Oddly enough, that part of me doesn't fear actual death, just symbolic annhilation.
I honestly think the only way to break free from him is to make contact an impossibility by moving. And I can't do that.
poster:Dinah
thread:657367
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060615/msgs/658962.html