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Y'all are scaring me! (Only half joking)

Posted by Racer on February 24, 2006, at 12:34:48

In reply to Re: No, that wasn't what she meant (got long) » Racer, posted by Dinah on February 24, 2006, at 9:19:34

Pseudoname, when I read your suggestion about pass/fail, I felt my stomach clench up -- too frightening. I want my As. Kinda like a Racer Cookie when I do good, you know? {sheepishly hanging head}

And Dinah? I'm afraid that doing "only" 102% would be too frightening, too.

Thinking about this the past few days, and posting about it here, and reading what other people have written, I can see that this really is part of my larger issue of feeling the need to appear perfect. (An anorexic who "has" to appear perfect? Yeah, unexpected. *snort*) It's a problem in most of my life, too. If I get flustered by something, and need to take a break, I deny it -- just out of habit, just learned reaction, "No, I'm fine, let's go." And I do it to my detriment.

It's also a strength, in a way, because I do things despite fear -- but many times I don't need to do those things, and only do them BECAUSE I'm frightened of them.

A few weeks ago, my T got a "scale" for her office. (She specializes in eating disorders.) This scale is decorated with sparkles and fringe -- and instead of numbers, it has ranges saying things like "Sexy" or "Fabulous" or "Stunning" -- all positive messages. I was just on my way out the door when she showed me, and started to get on it -- but couldn't. Didn't matter that it didn't show numbers, it was A Scale, and I started to freak out. My T, of course, said I didn't need to get on it, not to worry, but I *had* to. So I stood there for a minute or two -- long time, when you think about it -- and managed to get up there. That's the sort of thing that I do -- there's this imperative deeply implanted in me that I *must* conquer all fears. Which I think might have something to do with my T wanting me to get over my fear of not getting all As.

Besides -- face it, I'm a middle aged woman. There's a much better chance of me getting an A than the 18 year olds in class with me, because I am there voluntarily, I have a sense of how to study, I have life experience that helps me with much of the material, etc. And, as a middle aged woman, my grade really doesn't matter!

OK. That's enough from me right now... Thank you to everyone who's helped me with this.


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poster:Racer thread:612340
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