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What my T said about me and school

Posted by Racer on February 23, 2006, at 2:02:21

Some of you may know that I decided, after a long absence doing things like trying desperately to pay my bills, to go back to school. I'm starting out with 2 classes, since it has been 15 years now, and one of those two classes is a math class I took 15 years ago. I passed that class, with a grade of A.

My GPA for math and science was 4.0.

Today, my T and I talked about the amount of pressure I feel to get another A, to get 100% on all homework and quizzes and tests, to understand all of it without struggling. And you know what? I am struggling! Part of that is not being very structured about doing homework, which I better do something about soon if I plan to get that A, but part of it is that I'm really not getting some of it. That got me off topic, the topic being the discussion in session today...

My T started asking me *why* I felt the need to get an A? Said I should get over my fear of not getting an A by not getting an A. And then being OK with that.

Well, I told her, there is no reason I shouldn't get an A. I am capable of getting an A, and so that's what I should strive for. All I have to do is work hard enough.

Mind you, the discussion probably went on a little longer than that, but then she said something of which I'm not at all sure of the meaning: that I was twisting it around somehow. I'm not sure what she thought I was twisting, because I really do think that, if I work hard enough, I should get an A, because I am able to get an A. Now, I know that the fear I have about NOT getting that A is a problem, and that it's something we'll have to work on me getting over -- although, please, not by getting a non-A! -- but the basic idea seems sound to me: I have the ability to pass this class with a grade of A, and therefore that's what I'll be working towards.

(Of course, I also have all that math anxiety, despite everything, and I worry that, unless I really "get" this, I won't be able to keep up on the next class...)

Does anyone see something that I'm twisting, or turning around? Maybe help me figure out what she's trying to get at?

Also, the worst part of this? I realized tonight, that I really enjoy this -- EXCEPT that I have the anxiety about doing it all correctly. If I didn't have that fear that I won't get a good enough grade, I think I'd enjoy this a lot. In order to figure out where I have problems, I've been doing all the odd numbered problems, since the answers for those are in the book, and then I redo any I get wrong until I figure out what I've done wrong. It's a good feeling, when I'm checking off all those correct answers...

Then again, there's also a lot of fear, that sense that I can do it this week, but next week I won't be able to do it. Next week, we'll get to something I won't be able to understand, or keep up with. (Doesn't help that the instructor devoted four whole minutes at the end of the last class to "teaching" what we'd be doing for homework. He isn't great at pacing himself -- the other two hours of class time were spent in review and the first of two sections we were assigned in homework. So, we got a lot of review, a lot of time devoted to a variation on what we were reviewing -- and four minutes on a whole new topic...) So, partly I enjoy doing the extra work, makes me feel virtuous (Calvin has a lot to answer for, let me tell you), but partly it really is fear that I won't be able to keep up. So, while I say, with false confidence, that I have the ability to earn an A, maybe the problem is that it's all based in fear?

ARGH! You know? Math is easier than this is.


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poster:Racer thread:612340
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/612340.html