Posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2006, at 21:32:02
This is my first time making a thread, so I hope this is okay. Sorry it's so long.. I guess part of it is just my venting.
I've been with my current T for about a year. In the last 2 or 3 months, I've really started falling back into a severe depression. I have a history of cutting, suicidal feelings, etc and its all coming back. I have been very open with her and am really starting to trust her for the first time ever. But I'm not sure its working.
I have a VERY hard time verbalizing my feelings. Sometimes I just cant access it, but more often, it's just too scary, too embarassing, too hard to say it out loud. I'm good at dodging questions and keeping everything very cognitive. We've talked about this a million times (it comes up every session, it seems). I even wrote her a letter telling her how hard it is, and she seemed to really "get it" afterwards. I've told her every one of my "tricks" because I dont want to keep holding my emotions back. Ideally, I want her to call me out on it. Shes not a mindreader (I wish!) so I dont EXPECT that.. but it'd be nice. I want to let go so badly.
I'm afraid she's not going to be able to help me do this though. For instance, last week I went in and said I was feeling suicidal (first mention of it in months). After a short discussion, rather than asking about the feelings or osmething, she said "but suicide isnt what you really want, is it?" I felt like she was saying "whoa, lets not talk feelings.. lets talk cognitive. Is suicide a good idea?" Well of course not. I know that. But I FEEL like it is. I FEEL like I dont care if its a good idea or not!
Then today, she was pushing a topic and I felt myelf dancing around it, so I said so. She thanked me for telling her, but didnt say anything more. If she'd just asked what I was hiding, it would have all poured out. Towards the end of the session, I mentioned how I felt like it had been too cognitive today. She said she thought I'd done a good job being very detailed about a recent bad experience (a scary suicidal moment). I agreed, but said it had all just been cognitively describing it, not emotional. She said she thought I'd still been more open than usual (with details, I guess?) and appreciated that because now she understood better. I wanted to scream, "this isnt about you understanding every detail! this is about how i feel!" haha but I didnt, of course. As usual, I left her office and cried.
I know it's my responsibility to be open and honest in therapy, not hers to drag it out of me. I know. But I feel like she just doesnt get it. But does she have some role in helping me get to that place? Or am I expecting too much?I'm sure that insight and understanding is what some people need to feel better (and thats fine!) but I could spout insights for 20 years before I ran out. I need the emotions. I dont want to describe for 50 minutes anymore.
I just dont know what to do. A close friend of mine is pushing me to switch therapists, but I just cant see doing that. This is the first therapist I've ever really trusted (and there have been many). Even if she isnt working for me, I feel like she cares, and thats so important. It took a year to get to this place. I cant imagine switching. I just dont feel like anyone will understand like she does, and I dont have the emotional energy to deal with it right now. Shes also making a big financial deal with me so I can keep coming that I probably couldnt get anythnig else (I only have to pay %50 of her fee).
Part of me wonders if maybe she doesnt believe everything I say. When I mentioned being suicidal again, I really was serious.. as I left, she didnt ask me if I would promise to be safe, if I'd be okay, etc. If she had, I probably would have said no. During this past week, I had a very scary moment where I got close to overdosing, and told her about it. At the end of the session today, she still didnt ask if I'd be safe. I think I will be (I've calmed down since then), but shouldnt she ask? I dont know. Maybe I have a messed up view here. Please tell me if I do.
poster:wishingstar
thread:609610
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060211/msgs/609610.html