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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2006, at 21:32:02
This is my first time making a thread, so I hope this is okay. Sorry it's so long.. I guess part of it is just my venting.
I've been with my current T for about a year. In the last 2 or 3 months, I've really started falling back into a severe depression. I have a history of cutting, suicidal feelings, etc and its all coming back. I have been very open with her and am really starting to trust her for the first time ever. But I'm not sure its working.
I have a VERY hard time verbalizing my feelings. Sometimes I just cant access it, but more often, it's just too scary, too embarassing, too hard to say it out loud. I'm good at dodging questions and keeping everything very cognitive. We've talked about this a million times (it comes up every session, it seems). I even wrote her a letter telling her how hard it is, and she seemed to really "get it" afterwards. I've told her every one of my "tricks" because I dont want to keep holding my emotions back. Ideally, I want her to call me out on it. Shes not a mindreader (I wish!) so I dont EXPECT that.. but it'd be nice. I want to let go so badly.
I'm afraid she's not going to be able to help me do this though. For instance, last week I went in and said I was feeling suicidal (first mention of it in months). After a short discussion, rather than asking about the feelings or osmething, she said "but suicide isnt what you really want, is it?" I felt like she was saying "whoa, lets not talk feelings.. lets talk cognitive. Is suicide a good idea?" Well of course not. I know that. But I FEEL like it is. I FEEL like I dont care if its a good idea or not!
Then today, she was pushing a topic and I felt myelf dancing around it, so I said so. She thanked me for telling her, but didnt say anything more. If she'd just asked what I was hiding, it would have all poured out. Towards the end of the session, I mentioned how I felt like it had been too cognitive today. She said she thought I'd done a good job being very detailed about a recent bad experience (a scary suicidal moment). I agreed, but said it had all just been cognitively describing it, not emotional. She said she thought I'd still been more open than usual (with details, I guess?) and appreciated that because now she understood better. I wanted to scream, "this isnt about you understanding every detail! this is about how i feel!" haha but I didnt, of course. As usual, I left her office and cried.
I know it's my responsibility to be open and honest in therapy, not hers to drag it out of me. I know. But I feel like she just doesnt get it. But does she have some role in helping me get to that place? Or am I expecting too much?I'm sure that insight and understanding is what some people need to feel better (and thats fine!) but I could spout insights for 20 years before I ran out. I need the emotions. I dont want to describe for 50 minutes anymore.
I just dont know what to do. A close friend of mine is pushing me to switch therapists, but I just cant see doing that. This is the first therapist I've ever really trusted (and there have been many). Even if she isnt working for me, I feel like she cares, and thats so important. It took a year to get to this place. I cant imagine switching. I just dont feel like anyone will understand like she does, and I dont have the emotional energy to deal with it right now. Shes also making a big financial deal with me so I can keep coming that I probably couldnt get anythnig else (I only have to pay %50 of her fee).
Part of me wonders if maybe she doesnt believe everything I say. When I mentioned being suicidal again, I really was serious.. as I left, she didnt ask me if I would promise to be safe, if I'd be okay, etc. If she had, I probably would have said no. During this past week, I had a very scary moment where I got close to overdosing, and told her about it. At the end of the session today, she still didnt ask if I'd be safe. I think I will be (I've calmed down since then), but shouldnt she ask? I dont know. Maybe I have a messed up view here. Please tell me if I do.
Posted by sleepygirl on February 14, 2006, at 22:56:16
In reply to no feelings in therapy, posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2006, at 21:32:02
Do you like art? journaling? it might be a nice bridge.......
between you and her, and between your thoughts and feelingsand by the way...your thread is just fine, and it's not too long at all :-)
Posted by fairywings on February 14, 2006, at 23:08:30
In reply to no feelings in therapy, posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2006, at 21:32:02
Is she perhaps not a good fit for you? Maybe you could do better with someone who deals less with a cognitive approach and more with feelings. You're right, it is about you, and your feelings, and it's about how YOU want to do therapy, and if she's trying to smoosh you into her mold that's not going to work. Sleepy's journaling idea was really good. Have you tried writing it out and having her read it? Maybe you could try that and see if it goes over, and if not tell her you don't think it's a good fit, and see if she comes around?
fw
Posted by antigua on February 15, 2006, at 7:22:04
In reply to Re: no feelings in therapy » wishingstar, posted by fairywings on February 14, 2006, at 23:08:30
I don't know. I'm a cognitive person, too, and I rarely let the feelings out, no matter how much I want to. I can discuss awful things in great detail, with no emotion. I'm an autotron, I have no feelings at times. Switching meds helped a lot, but I still feel that way. I think it's a matter of trust, too, even though I trust my T absolutely.
So don't feel as if you're doing it wrong. Try to open up a bit more and maybe the feelings will come. That said, I'm still a cognitive person and I've made great strides in therapy. My T has learned to work with me that way.
Welcome, and good luck,
antigua
Posted by fallsfall on February 15, 2006, at 21:02:02
In reply to no feelings in therapy, posted by wishingstar on February 14, 2006, at 21:32:02
It sounds like you are working very hard. Good for you. And it sounds like you do know what you need to do. What kind of therapy does she do? Is she CBT?
I went to a CBT therapist for 8 1/2 years. At the end I knew that I needed to go "deeper". I think this is similar to your need to get to the feelings instead of the thoughts. I found that there was a limit to how far I could get just dealing with the thoughts - because the problem was that the feelings were illogical. But knowing that didn't make them become logical. Anyway, I asked my CBT therapist if we could go "deeper". She tried, but it was clear that she really didn't know how to help me with that.
I switched to a Psychodynamic therapist and he knew exactly what I needed. It was quite a relief to me, to have someone who could help me in the way that I needed help.
In my case, I stayed too long with the CBT therapist. I got into some pretty big ruts with her, and it took a long time to get out of them with my new therapist. If I had it to do over, I wouldn't have stayed as long with her - even if it meant having no therapy in the middle (though there was no way you could have ever convinced me of that at the time). I guess I'm just saying that if you are getting frustrated with her (and it sounds like you have been pretty clear about what you need), that staying just because she's giving you a price break is not necessarily the best choice.
Good luck. Stay open and honest - it will serve you well.
This is the end of the thread.
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