Posted by B2chica on January 28, 2006, at 13:29:42
In reply to Re: victim or perpetrator *trigger* » B2chica, posted by Daisym on January 27, 2006, at 11:35:05
i just want to soak up all the pain on this board. i figure i'm messed up enough that i'll take others pain and fill myself up. i'm already damaged, a little more won't matter.
let me keep all the bad, all the anger cuz i know how to control it. -that's what my T and i were last talking about.i know what my brother did at first he was probably acting out but the more he did things the worse they got both physically and sexually and i know my mother wouldn't have had sex with my brother she was too angry for that. Pleasure was wrong. i think that hurting me never entered into his mind. it was all about him, his needs. i was a thing.
my 'mother' at first did things cuz she didn't know any better but became increasingly angry at me. she became very rough. i hated bath time cuz she scrubbed my privates terribly hard, i remember being so sore, and she'd dry my hair first then comb it out (i had long hair-those of you know you comb first then dry, otherwise it's extremely painful.) my crying didn't help things either. that usually made it worse.
when she took my temp rectally at first i'm sure it's just what she knew but as i got older i wanted her to stop and she'd have me pull down my pants or completely undress and she'd hold me down on the bed to do it. i remember on many occassions it was painful.
this along with other things, i believe she just got more and more mad at me for even being there. she once told me that she didn't even want kids but that there was so much pressure to have them. well, even though that comment s@cked i am glad i'm here.
(couldn't have said that a few months ago).thank you all for your comments.
i think i'm still numb and on the border of acceptance-not quite there though.
(big b2c)sad, and lonely wanting to be held. please if i'm not to sick, somebody hold me.
(little b2c)
poster:B2chica
thread:602994
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060121/msgs/603756.html