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Re: Uh, can you check your definitions? » Racer

Posted by gardenergirl on January 8, 2006, at 14:56:34

In reply to Uh, can you check your definitions? » gardenergirl, posted by Racer on January 3, 2006, at 16:38:48

> GG, you *know* the answer to this question, right? I don't actually have to answer it, right?

Yeah, intellecutally I do. But in my gut, I worry. Quite a war going on in here. :(
>
> About the other thing, no wonder you're getting hit by all this right now -- is there any way you can remove yourself from your traditional, dysfunctional, inappropriate role in your family situation? (Not, you understand, that I have an opinion about it...)

Yeah, I think that actually could be possible. I had a lovely email from a colleague who reminded me that some things can wait, and some things can be delegated. Some can even be skipped. It's good to hear that from someone I respect.
>
> Oh, you know I hate to sound critical of you, and this is meant as an observation: who is putting you into the role you're playing right now?

That is an excellent question! And after I read this, I noticed that when the next "problem" came up even as a possibility, I was already worrying about how to take care of it. And I suddenly realized that it's not really MY problem to solve. And in fact, in this case, I suspect if I went ahead and "solved it", the person who's "problem" it is might actually feel intruded upon. But I just sort of added it to my list, so to speak, without even thinking, until I realized what I was doing.

>What can you do to remove yourself from it and create a new, more comfortable role for yourself?

I just figured this out. It's about boundaries. Me not taking on others' problems is actually a good boundary for both/all of the family, (she says from her brain, as her gut is still worried that if she doesn't "step up", she'll be viewed as cold and uncaring.) Grrr. It's a good thing, but it would feel like turning my back. I'll have to try to try this out slowly to see how it feels.
>
> I feel as though I have an unfair advantage, since you and I have discussed some of the dynamics with this, but another question is what you're trying to accomplish by taking on this role?

Now that's a good question, too. I may save that one for therapy. And thank you again for the huge help you've been in sorting through all of this. You are truly a treasured friend. :)
>
> Now that I've hit you with all that, here's the other part: as one woman who tries to take care of everyone except herself to another, you DESERVE better treatment than you're getting right now.
>
> And it's OK to ask for it, although there's no guarantee that you'll get it.
>
> Love to you.

Thanks. And right back at you.

gg

 

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Psycho-Babble Psychology | Framed

poster:gardenergirl thread:593914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/596638.html