Posted by Susan47 on January 5, 2006, at 20:34:52
....afraid of you? When someone's afraid of something or someone else, it means they perceive a threat in .. that person or thing.
And I became a threat, he made me see myself as this wicked evil threat to him, and I don't know how I'm supposed to get past that, without a lot of therapy. Or personal strength. I try to rely on my personal strength, and I try to remember that just because his hand was sweaty and hot, shaking mine, and just because he looked very very uncomfortable while I was telling him all this stuff (Of Course, I mean, how many times are they Warned and told and experience this stuff??? I knew it was funny, I knew the whole time that the situation was laughably funny. It really is. But for me it was just effing.. sad, I knew I was in for it, as soon as I realized my feelings and how they'd gotten away from me. He must've been sweating bullets I'm surprised his hand wasn't actually slippery ... and he didn't want to shake it, knowing I might catch on. Us patients are necessarily always stupid)
...
How to see myself as not a threat, if he's treated me as a threat since then? Which he definitely truly and really has. It's like the stereotypical therapist trying to unload a lovesick patient, men and women alike, they all know about this stuff. I felt absolutely ill about how he must have felt about me .. I felt sick to be sickening, and man did I ever let him know how sick it felt. I tried anyway. Into his machine. He scared the bejesus out of me and he still does, just the thought of him out there judging me without caring and wanting to care or know or understand me, not really in a real person-to-person sense, still is crazy-making. It's crazy-making.
He can use that, you know.
I've left myself perversely open and vulnerable.
While he, rightly so in the eyes of society, has left himself protected to the nth degree. His life is worth much more than mine, if we were honest about it.
That's how everybody sees it, we all see things this way.
I think I'm really.. perverse. Is that learned thinking or is it natural?
poster:Susan47
thread:595608
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/595608.html