Posted by gardenergirl on January 2, 2006, at 6:59:07
In reply to Re: OMG. Am I too needy?, posted by fallsfall on January 1, 2006, at 10:34:23
> > And essentially, I'm too needy. He's tapped out. I missed the boat. S*cks to be me.
>
> *** Let's reframe this:
>
> I'm too needy -> He's not supportive enough
> He's tapped out -> sucks to be him
> Sucks to be you -> yes, it really does, that's why you need his support.Yeah, that makes sense. Problem is, he feels he has been doing ALL the supporting, and he "got tired of it" and stopped. Um, how does that solve the problem? And frankly, I couldn't identify a time when he WAS supportive, so our perceptions are way off on this. And even if that were the case (he just gave and gave and gave and got nothing back), the issue is I DO need support NOW. It's so obvious to me, but so NOT to him.
>
> > See, I had no faith that trying to talk to him about it would make any difference in feeling supported.
>
> *** Maybe he doesn't know what to do. Maybe he doesn't know how to support you.That's it exactly. And the really tough part is, when we have these conversations, there is so much anger and tension in the room, it feels like a huge and unbridgeable divide between us. So even if he were to come over to hold me, I feel like I don't want to be touched just then. It's way too tense, too weird, and wouldn't feel comforting. I HATE that!
>Can you tell him specific things that he can do ("listen to me whine for 45 minutes about how the arrangements aren't coming together", "Hold me and tell me that you love me", "Agree with me that it hurts to have my grandmother die", "Go to the store for my favorite ice cream")? Can you say "I don't know what I need you to do, but I need to know that you are willing to keep me company through this"?
That's very good advice, and I think he would appreciate it. We did talk about how he doesn't know how to help, and then he takes this on himself as something he fails at. He's so practical, though. I suspect that holding me and telling me he loves me, or some other way of showing me that I am loved, cherished, etc....that's what I really feel like I am missing, wouldn't feel like something "useful" to him. But I suppose asking for it is a good start.
> >
> > So help me, if my T says, "I told you so" about my husband's lack of empathy and emotions, I'm going to punch him.
> >
>
> *** Hmmm, my therapist draws the line at physical contact...LOL. Mine too, I assume. And I doubt I could ever really punch someone. But I am primed to react negatively to him going into the relationship and hubby's needs without spending any time validating my pain. The little girl who is stamping her foot and yelling, "What about ME?" is much too present still.
> ((((((((((GG))))))))))
Thanks, sweetie. That feels even better when I remember actually getting to hug you in person. :)
>
> I am talking in therapy about vulnerability and strength. How I grew up believing that being vulnerable (i.e. not perfect, needy) was a bad thing. How a particular person in my life accepted my vulnerability for the first time in my life, and how I need to have that vulnerability now (in my typical black and white fashion).Sounds familiar to me. In my family, being vulnerable just got you chastised, ignored, or looked at with disdain. Certainly didn't get you any support or care.
>
> I'm trying to get my arms around the concept that I can be strong and vulnerable at the same time. In your case that would mean that you do the communicating with your siblings and comfort your dad while needing comfort yourself. Maybe I'm not the only one who has trouble seeing these things happen at the same time. Maybe your husband thinks that if he is going to support you that he also has to handle all of the strong things that you are doing. Maybe it isn't that he can't support YOU, but that he can't support both you and all the things that you need to do. You don't need him to console your dad, you only need him to console you so that you can have the strength to console your dad.Oh wow, I think you nailed it as far as how my husband views it. We have a similar problem going regarding his frustration with my procrastinatino of school work. I keep trying to tell him and show him that he can't HELP me do the work, but he can SUPPORT me in the process. To me, that's a clear difference, but he can't really separate that out. And whether I do or don't do the work is something he's taken on himself as a reflection of him. I keep trying to help him separate it out. I wonder what his T says about it, or if he even brings that aspect of our conflict out in sessions.
I did tell him I need him to just love me and support me unconditionally and without tying any of it to performance or specific issues. I just react so poorly to conditional support. It's all I've known growing up. And it makes me both very very hurt and very very angry.
We finally got on the same page yesterday, that couples therapy is something we should do NOW versus later.
>
> Plus, it sounds like you think that there are old hurts that are coming up in response to current issues. I could see why that kind of pain could be a bit overwhelming for your husband (after all, it is a bit overwhelming for YOU).Yeah, I assume it would be overwhelming. But he doesn't seem to even SEE it. To me, it's obvious from what I wrote in my first post. Or if he came downstairs while I was sobbing, hyperventilating, shaking and feeling like I was dying. I've sobbed somewhat like that in front of him before, and he has no outward reaction. He makes no move to come near me. And that hurts as much or more than whatever the beginning pain was.
>Can you recognize what is old pain and what is new pain? Can you compartmentalize the old pain and try to deal with that in therapy. Does this make any sense?
Yeah, and actually, I think it was recognizing that the current pain was being triggered or is a similar playing out of old patterns is what moved me from crying into terrible grief. I think I was finally crying/grieving over that issue and it was loaded, just loaded with pain that felt like it would destroy me.
>
> You absolutely have a right to your pain (old and new). The question is how can you marshall your supports to help you with this pain?Well, first step was to get myself some soothing things: a hot washcloth, lavender and mint oils in the perfume burner, a diet coke, and a heating pad for my back (it just felt comforting with the warmth and the weight). Then once I could see and breathe again, I came here. I knew I could come here. :)
And I also last night asked my mom to call my sibs with the latest update regarding plans. And I asked my husband to make the travel arrangements for this weekend. That is helping.
>
> (There is something in the back of my mind about your grandmother deciding that she didn't want to live any more... Is this a background issue for you?)Not really, I don't think. I was worried that she was going to be in more pain or discomfort than she realized. But Hospice did a very good job. My dad had a real problem with it, and none of the boys are handling her death all that well at the moment. But who would? Still, that darned sensitivitiy and caregiving aspect of me reacts. I need to remind myself how much that takes out of me and do extra self-care. Like the hot fudge sundae I had for breakfast the other day. And I should get another massage.
Thanks, falls. Your words have been very helpful and calming.
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:593914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051229/msgs/594296.html