Posted by Voce on December 8, 2005, at 0:57:50
The past few days I've been having moments of intense longing and weakness. I think of my former (male) T all the time, remember certain spots on campus where I saw him. I can't call him, though. He's made that abundantly clear. I've written him once in the last few months and got a very cool, careful, short answer. So that door is obviously closed.
So today, in a moment of absolute weakness, I called my 2nd T, the female T who had to leave the job she was in when I was in treatment with her. She's now working at another school in town. I have not seen her since last Feb, but we established a connection while I was in treatment with her, and I liked her a lot.
She has been much more fluid with post-termination boundaries. She replies to my (bi-monthly) e-mails, and even discusses therapeutic material with me. So today, I picked up the phone after I got off work and dialed her number, fully expecting that since it was after 5pm, I would get her voicemail.
Well, she was in her office!! She seemed happy to hear from me, and mentioned that although she was meeting with a student, she would be happy to call me back. I tried to say goodbye and hang up but she kept asking me questions. But it sounds like she is going to call me back.....
I am scared, you guys. I don't want to be a bother to her, or put her in a position where she's going to have to shake me loose later. I don't want her to think that I'm dependent and needy. I am scared that she is going to be like T1, who gave me all the signals that it would be okay to call and write post-termination, and then abruptly changed the rules. I don't want to do anything wrong, or take advantage of her.
And I feel dumb for calling. Really, exceedingly dumb. I just wanted that connection so bad. Part of me thinks that since she is my last connection to therapy, and therefore my first T, who I was (am?) desperately in love with, that this is my way of trying to re-establish that connection with T1, although I can't imagine how.
I'm pathetic. I'm going to bed now. Tamar, can I share that 2nd bottle of wine with you???
poster:Voce
thread:586795
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051206/msgs/586795.html