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Re: Didn't chicken out after all, in the end » Dinah

Posted by Tamar on December 7, 2005, at 6:09:58

In reply to Re: Didn't chicken out after all, in the end » Tamar, posted by Dinah on December 6, 2005, at 17:01:27

> > > And we changed the goal from growing up my "little girl" as she calls it. I let her know that I'd worked hard and long to accept and respect that part of me, and that that approach was better overall for my life.
> >
> > Yeah, I can imagine that. I suppose… I wonder how much that part of you is willing to share your body with the mother or wife part of you. But I’m probably talking rubbish. It’s just… sometimes I have to tell myself I’m allowed to be an adult. But it’s probably a different thing…
>
> :)
>
> You're such a dear, Tamar.

:) Thanks Dinah. You’re very sweet.

> I think... I think that there's a *fairly* good working relationship right now. It's just that sex causes so much intense fear and anger that it swamps any good intentions I might have about division of labor, so to speak. I think there's general agreement within myself, with T1, and now with T3, that the goal ought to be to leave adult things to my most adult part of myself. But the anxiety has to lower enough for my emotional self to take a temporary leave of absence during sex, so to speak. That's the current goal. I think *all* involved would approve of that goal. :)

Yes, that does sound like a sensible goal!

One thing that occurred to me: anger and anxiety and even fear can be quite sexually arousing if they’re experienced in a context that doesn’t involve feeling sexually threatened.

But the way I read what you wrote, it sounds as if the child part of you is the part who might feel sexually anxious. And who would blame her for that? She doesn’t want to be doing adult things with an adult man. She might be interested in a game of doctors and nurses with a boy her own age, but that’s about the extent of it.

Maybe it’s the age my own kids are at the moment, but sometimes my daughter comes into our bedroom when we’re getting intimate (so far we’ve always heard her coming so she hasn’t seen anything!). We stop and put her back to bed and then we carry on. I’m trying to do the same thing with the kid part of me. She doesn’t want to see it or do it, so I try to put her to sleep metaphorically. But she has to believe that I trust my husband not to hurt me.

I dunno… real kids understand that there are grown-up things that aren’t available to them. Whether the inside kids will be as accommodating is another matter!

I guess… asking your emotional self to take a temporary leave of absence during sex sounds like something that could work, but I wonder if it’s really your little girl who could be asked to go watch TV or take a nap for a couple of hours. Unless she and your emotional self are much the same…

Tamar


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