Posted by Tamar on November 30, 2005, at 18:10:17
In reply to Poster's remorse again, posted by Dinah on November 30, 2005, at 9:49:10
OK, I haven’t seen them. But I bet your braids make you look like *you*, which is of course just the way you should look. I think braids are beautiful and feminine and generally a good thing.
I suspect you are right about finding a man to work through this stuff with. I know I find it easier to talk to men about anything to do with my body. It’s definitely the dreaded middle-school-memory thing. And like Caraher said in a previous thread, women can be very critical of other women. As women, perhaps we tend to expect our appearance to be critiqued (or criticized) by other women. Are there any male sex therapists out there?
I agree with you about the sleep: I think it’s escapism. I find it hard to imagine that sleep could be a manifestation of either sulking or temper tantrums. Unless, perhaps, you were angry with *yourself*. Anyway, I suppose T3’s job is to make suggestions; she can’t impose her view of reality on you. If it doesn’t ring true to you, then it’s irrelevant. Oh, and I’m with you on the gaining-weight-to-become-invisible thing. Definitely. And also about the walking away thing. I also find it preferable to walk away. I hate conflict with people I don’t know well.
What she said about your sexuality: it rang a bell with me because I’ve sometimes wondered if my own sexuality is rather immature. The way mine works for me is fairly similar to some of the things you’ve said here before… except perhaps that I have an easier time with my husband than you do. I sometimes think: this way of experiencing sexuality is perfect for a pre-teen, and I missed that at the time because I had no idea about my sexuality when I was that age. But to call it selfish isn’t fair. It might be self-focused (in the nicest possible way) because that’s what it *has* to be. Anything else feels wrong and dangerous.
I remember you said once that your therapist (T1) thought you might have been sexually abused as a child. And it seems to me that no one would tell an adult survivor of child abuse that her sexuality was immature and selfish (I hope!). I also know that you said you weren’t sexually abused. But even if you weren’t sexually abused as a child, the aversion is just as real and shouldn’t be minimised. I wonder if you might benefit from the sorts of techniques that people use in dealing with sex after CSA. If the ‘symptoms’ are similar then perhaps the approach to dealing with it might be similar. But what do I know?
I think the most important thing is that your sexuality is *yours*. The important thing is that you feel good and comfortable and able to accept yourself. If you are able to find some pleasure in your body, that’s a good thing… and it shouldn’t be underestimated because there are plenty of women who haven’t yet discovered it. I know a woman who was 50 before she had an orgasm. So perhaps concentrating on the good things about your sexuality would be a start?
Having said all that… maybe if T3 understood more about you she would be able to adjust her style a bit. You probably don’t fit any of the models she’s working to. I’m not saying you should fight for this relationship, because I know you need your energy for your relationship with T1. But maybe if you can tell her how you’re feeling and give her a chance to take stock and adjust to your individual perspective she might be able to help. I know your instincts are good… and there aren’t many people who can appreciate your depth of character in such a short time and in the special circumstances that therapy involves (strange as it seems). Maybe if you tell her you don't respond well to criticism, she'll be able to make adjustments. But still… if she said rude things about your braids she should apologise. She’s the one who should be ashamed about that; not you!
Just my two cents.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:583331
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051130/msgs/583820.html