Posted by Dinah on December 3, 2005, at 22:50:49
In reply to Re: Poster's remorse again, posted by alexandra_k on December 3, 2005, at 22:32:12
I don't know.
It *feels* like the risk has only ever been with him. Because the rest didn't matter, didn't matter from the start. But he *did* matter, from the very start. No matter how much I laughed at him, or got angry with him, or was hurt by him (and he did hurt me from the very beginning) he *did* matter. And they didn't, and they don't. So it's easy to walk, while it was nearly impossible from the git-go with him.
Because from the very beginning, under all the things I didn't like about him, he gave me something that no one else ever did. Not acceptance, because he didn't much like me in the beginning. And not the promise of forever therapy. I think he said nine weeks. It seems like magic, but I imagine it's his ability to project calm and peace. Not that he has it himself, he doesn't. It's just how he feels. So open and receptive, but with a solid core that can be relied upon.
I mean, I know it can't really, and his core isn't really that solid. And he's chock full of all sorts of weaknesses and flaws.
But he still *feels* the same. When he's on form, he still gives me that same feeling Risperdal does.
I've long said that I prefer my truth not only varnished, but beveled and polished. And I mean that. Challenges have to be pretty darn polite and good natured for me to accept them. But that's my choice, and it's served me well enough in my life in general. I feel no particular desire to change that about myself for a therapist who I don't much care about, and who doesn't bother to bevel truths.
Which for some reason makes me think of Tamar, who has a better touch with truth than anyone I know. :)
poster:Dinah
thread:583331
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051130/msgs/585230.html