Posted by ghost on November 11, 2005, at 16:49:25
i partly stopped posting because i was certain my exgf was stalking me. i made a new acct to post as, but i can't bring myself to use it. some of you know me here. i feel like i'd be deceiving you all. it doesn't matter. this isn't want this post is about. and if my exgf is reading this, then she'll get quite an eyeful.
reading b2c's post (and the subsequent replies) about SA made me cry. i only cry when no one's around, and i never, EVER cry at the T's office. i don't want to be in therapy, i want her to think i'm getting better, and i want to stop going, so i never, ever cry.
but whenever i hear about sexual abuse or assaults, i have to stop.
because (and here goes) i was raped. twice. by people i know. i've never really "dealt with" it. i just kind of pushed it into the back of my mind and it only dares to peek out if i'm reading about someone else's suffering. (and part of me says "holy hell, i can't complain, because someone else was molested for YEARS... this is two isolated incidents...")
but the fact is that it f*cked me up. quite a bit. what was taken from me can never be replaced. i feel like i'm damaged now, somehow. damaged goods. no one wants damaged goods. i can never say out loud "yes, i am a victim of rape." because saying it out loud is like admitting it happened. it's like a sign of weakness or something to me.
the T touched briefly on it during our first session, because it was a question on her intake survey i had to fill out. but i changed the subject and she's never brought it up since. i don't really want to talk about it, but i don't really want to tear up every time i'm reminded of what happened, either. i'm afraid that one day i won't be able to keep it inside and i'll wind up in an ambulance to a psych ward. over something that's seemingly small, comparitively speaking.
b2c, i admire your courage to come out and say what you've been through. i can only imagine the guts that took.
if anyone read this far, thanks. i don't really expect any replies, but maybe by finally admitting it here... well... i don't know what i expect to happen by admitting it here. maybe this is the first step. who knows.
poster:ghost
thread:577798
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051107/msgs/577798.html