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Re: Intense session crushedout

Posted by Tamar on September 27, 2005, at 5:50:22

In reply to Intense session, posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57

Hi crushed,

> She thought it was a powerful image and said that even though she couldn't scoop me up and give me what I wanted (I told her that was all I wanted in life! I swear, just once if she could give me that, then I would be ok. If I could only be that small and cute), but maybe I could get those needs met in other ways, at least almost get them met.

Ive felt exactly the same way about my ex-T. I wanted to be small and sit on his lap; I felt if he would just hold me then everything would be all right.

> I don't see how. I really just want to be held and cared for as a two-year-old, if only for five minutes. And I can't because I'm not a two-year-old. And it has to be by her because no one else can do it. I don't know why.

Yeah, I know that feeling too. No one else can do it. I guess I thought my ex-T had magical arms, that he could heal me by holding me. In my case, it wasnt something I missed in childhood; my parents were very loving and affectionate. But wanting to return to that kind of comfort was a very powerful feeling.

For me, I think the pain of the stuff I was dealing with was so profound that I wanted a very primal experience of comfort. My ex-T was the embodiment of safety and the one person I could trust with my feelings, so he was the only person who could comfort me. But of course he would never have done it. And that just seemed to make the pain worse. Also, Im pretty sure that if he had ever held me the erotic feelings would have surfaced immediately, even though they werent there when I just wanted to be held, if that makes sense.

I suppose in fact he helped me to find my own resources to deal with the pain so that I could handle it without his comfort; maybe that was the point. But even now there are still times, very occasionally, when I want him to hold me.

> This is devastating stuff. I don't know where to go with it. All I can do is yearn and never have what I want. What's the point of that? Here come the tears again and I'm at work so I better stop.

I used to imagine my ex-T holding me sometimes; Id imagine the warmth of his body and his hand stroking my hair. I dont know if that was ultimately helpful or not, but it was comforting at the time. On balance I think it was a good thing because of course it wasnt really him but a fictional representation of him that I created myself. I remember when I was first able to imagine him telling me he loved me: it was such a relief. Of course, it had nothing to do with him; it was about my own ability to perceive myself as loveable.

It sounds as if your therapist was very understanding when you told her, so I guess the thing is to keep telling her, as often as you need to.

I hope you feel better soon.





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