Posted by crushedout on September 26, 2005, at 15:10:57
Mondays I have a double session now, which is intense in general but today was particularly so. I told her I'd started smoking pot again recently (yes, it's true) and she's trying to explore why. One of our theories is that I'm using it as a buffer between myself and feeling I'm developing towards her. But, I noted, I still feel things even when I'm using drugs. Take last night for example.I get awkward and it's hard to tell her this stuff but I managed to get out:
"I've just been wishing I was the size of a two-year-old so I could fit with my head on a person's shoulder and my feet by their hip, so that I could fit on a lap."
She asked me if it was her lap I was wishing I could fit on. I murmured "yes."
I told her about babysitting for Henry (who's 2) and when he fell down at the playground and started crying and I quickly picked him up and held him against me and kissed him over and over and said "it's ok" in the most soothing voice I have. It felt good to give that to him but I couldn't help wishing someone would do that for me. When I told her this, tears started pouring down my face.
She thought it was a powerful image and said that even though she couldn't scoop me up and give me what I wanted (I told her that was all I wanted in life! I swear, just once if she could give me that, then I would be ok. If I could only be that small and cute), but maybe I could get those needs met in other ways, at least almost get them met.
I don't see how. I really just want to be held and cared for as a two-year-old, if only for five minutes. And I can't because I'm not a two-year-old. And it has to be by her because no one else can do it. I don't know why.
This is devastating stuff. I don't know where to go with it. All I can do is yearn and never have what I want. What's the point of that? Here come the tears again and I'm at work so I better stop.
poster:crushedout
thread:559846
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050920/msgs/559846.html