Posted by Damos on August 22, 2005, at 20:06:44
In reply to Attachment, posted by alexandra_k on August 18, 2005, at 18:44:14
I'm sure I've said stuff about me and my dad somewhere before. Well let's just say there's been an awful lot of time when I haven't exactly liked him a whole lot - okay downright hated him and blamed him for all kinds of stuff. The only thing I have been absolutely clear about my whole life is that I didn't, wasn't gonna grow up to be him. Each and every time I saw some of him in myself or my behaviour I'd crash and burn for a while. We've never been able to talk in any real way.
Well I had to go and see them on the weekend and I was already a bit wobbly for my own reasons, but I remembered reading bits of this thread and it struck me that no matter what I am or become, I will never be him. I may have a similar genetic make-up and some similar features and traits, but I will never be him. I have awareness of how things have unfolded between us, an acceptance that he did the best he could, that he was replaying his relationship with his father and the problems he had growing up. I am also aware of my depression and how being able to be open about it helps me and how none of that was possible for him. Of how much of himself he gave up to give us security and stability growing up. Of how babble helps me see and be and grow. How some of the best of me comes directly from him. I have the opportunity to say 'I don't know, I'm not strong enough, I don't understand, I need help', and to cry and be weak and pathetic which he didn't.
So I went, but this time I made a conscious choice to only take love and kindness with me, to let the rest go. To accept that even though I don't and won't like him all the time I will always love him and be bound to him 'causes he's my dad'. It made a difference. It was still stilted and awkward and we didn't have much to say to each other but I could see him better. I could see the softness and the kindness that I've heard about but never seen the possibility of till then. I could see that he wants to get across the gap too, before it's too late - like it was with his dad, he just doesn't know how. Whether he is aware of the impact stuff has had on me or not doesn't matter, nor does the fact that we may never be able to talk about the hard stuff or hug each other. What matters is my choice to forgive and to not carry all that hurt around with me so I can dip into it constantly and use it to stuff up the present as well. I've finally realised I can't change him or make the past okay, but that I can take responsibility for trying to make a space where the present can be better (for me if no-one else), where I can say to myself 'you might be pressing all my buttons, but I'm gonna love you anyway, whether you like it or not.'.
There's stuff about my mum too, but that can wait.
poster:Damos
thread:543620
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050813/msgs/545335.html