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Re: Getting Attracted/Falling in love - transference?

Posted by antigua on June 24, 2005, at 11:51:08

In reply to Getting Attracted/Falling in love - transference?, posted by pinkeye on June 23, 2005, at 18:46:44

I had an interesting conversation with my Pdoc earlier this spring. I was telling him about how I'd put myself in the position of being retraumatized--I had become attracted to a man who had the traits of my father (in this case, the bad parts)--he was unavailable, not willing to open up, etc. I put myself in a position where I felt he had betrayed me, and the feelings of abandonment and shame that I had experienced with my father were projected onto him. I recognized the retraumatization, and I recognized that I was putting feelings onto him that didn't belong to him, but once I got into it, I was just as hurt and betrayed as I was when I was a kid (csa). Poor guy had nothing to do with it. I knew this intellectually.

This was clearly transferenc, but my Pdoc told me the most fascinating thing. He said that people who are traumatized (to be fair, let's say some, not necessarily all) are drawn to re-experiencing the trauma--he said it's Freud's concept of -- not sure words are exact--"repetetive compulsion". We are drawn to repeat it until it is resolved. It can be why a woman is always drawn to no-good guys who remind them of their father, etc; or always been drawn to unavailable men. I thought we were drawn to them with the hope of having the situation resolved differently (they will finally love us like we want to be loved), but my pdoc said we are drawn to these situations until we resolve the actual conflict. For me, I'm drawn to retraumatize myself until I work through the problems I had with my father. I believe this. I always thought I could make the situation turn out differently (make the guy love me) but that's not going to happen. I think that's the transference too.
Am I making any sense? I thought it was fascinating, and it has helped me understand myself so much better--that I am actually drawn to these situations, they just don't happen to me.
antigua


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