Posted by Tamar on June 6, 2005, at 19:45:14
In reply to Re: Trying to make peace and let go » Tamar, posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 19:10:09
> > So I've been working on trying to stay present during sex. However, staying present means dealing with some triggers. That can be frustrating. On the other hand, when I manage to handle the triggers and stay present it is actually extremely fulfilling.
> I assume the triggers are because of the rape you went through?? I am not an expert in this subject, but my common sense tells me that you could potentially revert the damage done to you (if because of the rape), by associating more pleasant things with sex. (before, after, during etc - listening to songs or mild instrumental or pleasing music during sex even might be a good idea, I don't know.). Or you can see more romantic movies where there is plenty of nice and pleasant sexual scenes (stay away from the hardcore adult movies) and that might eventually sink in and take away the triggers. The way to counteract negative energy in anything is to supply adequate positive things.Yes, I think being raped caused a lot of the problems, but there were problems before that (and I have a very vague memory of something unpleasant in my childhood, but I’m currently pretending it didn’t happen; I’ll deal with it later).
It’s true that nice music can help. I’ll try to track down some movies with nice sex scenes (thanks for the good advice!). The biggest problem, I find, is that my body doesn’t seem to be able to distinguish between good and evil when someone touches me. So when my husband touches me, it often feels bad and wrong. It just feels horrible. It’s a constant effort to remind myself that it’s my husband and not bad men. My current method of overcoming it is to get him to chat to me about anything: sport, politics, organic chemistry, statistics… anything, as long as I can hear his voice!
> Also fantasizing more might help you prepare mentally for orgasm. You can even try to fantasize explicit sexual scenes from beginning to end (with the ending you want :-)).
Tee hee! I like fantasizing, but I’ll have to try it when my husband isn’t talking about statistics…
> > Oh yes. I didn't really think of serious as the opposite of happy and cheerful. I suppose I just meant you don't often seem to goof around. But of course you're going through a very hard time right now and maybe you don't feel like goofing around very often!
>
> Thanks. I don't fully understand what goofing is (english is my second language and I am not that proficient in it). But I take it as having fun - and yes, I am not in a mood to have too much fun these days. But I can have fun when I am in a better mood. But I don't flirt that much or talk about sex openly or joke about it - maybe because of the way I was brought up or my culture. That might seem like that to you also.Well, English is my first language but I don’t always use it perfectly! And I think your English is excellent, especially considering it’s not your first language. I think goofing around means playing, being silly, and generally having fun. (If not, I hope I haven’t stumbled into a PBC…)
I have friends from India, and it’s true that most of them don’t talk about sex very openly, and certainly not in front of men. I think it’s true that cultural concerns are important in determining appropriate ways for men and women to behave. But when I said you don’t goof around much, I didn’t mean that you should flirt more or something like that. I suppose it was just like you said: you don’t seem to be in the mood for much fun. However, I can see that your capacity for fun is still there, under the surface!
poster:Tamar
thread:507378
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050606/msgs/508784.html