Posted by Tamar on May 28, 2005, at 16:02:40
In reply to I think I may be ready to give up my plan, posted by Dinah on May 28, 2005, at 9:46:48
Wow, Dinah, that’s amazing!
> I think it's because of my son. I was with him the other night, in a group of kids, and I really *felt* how much I love him. And the same thing happened yesterday.
>
> I have always had trouble feeling love, at gut level. I have known I loved him, but I just have this trouble feeling it, for anyone. I don't know if anyone understands that. That for me there's a difference between loving someone and feeling that bubble of joy in the tummy that comes from feeling that love. My therapist says that doesn't make me awful, that I have troble feeling it, because I do it. I don't know.Yes, I understand. I remember when I started to recover from my depression and my daughter crawled into bed with me one morning and was being particularly cute, and I thought, “I love my little girl!” And I hadn’t even realised that I hadn’t been feeling it. But it was so wonderful to get that feeling back. And no, not feeling it doesn’t make you awful, but it’s nice to feel it, isn’t it?
> But now I have felt that love for him, I can't bear to inflict on him what pain my plan would bring him, no matter how much pain I'm in myself.
Exactly. And I imagine that he feels love for you all the time.
> Sooo... I think my instructions to my therapist should stand. Because in those first moments of pain, I might forget that I've given up my plan. It would be good to be safely in a hospital until they've got me stabilized on some AP's for a few days. But after that... I think I'd find another therapist. Even if I have to go through every one in my area until I find one that feels a bit right, at least. Because I think therapy is good for me, and it's what helps keep me stable.
I think having those instructions might give you a sense of having a safety net. And I’m sure that’s perfectly OK. One day you might not need a safety net, but if you need it now, at least you have that security.
> Of course, I'm a bit afraid to hit the save button, for fear I'll be giving the fates permission for my therapist to abandon me. But I'm not doing that. It would still hurt very very much, and I still need *him*, not just a generic therapist.
Yeah, taking a risk like this does sometimes feel like tempting fate. But I’m sure your therapist won’t see it as an excuse to try anything silly. Maybe he’ll be so pleased with your progress that he’ll resolve never to leave you, because you’re a source of continuing job satisfaction!
poster:Tamar
thread:504109
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050528/msgs/504286.html