Posted by Dinah on May 28, 2005, at 9:46:48
Isn't that weird, considering that although I don't understand it, I just concluded:
I felt safe with my therapist when I first met him.
It took five years, but then I felt trust for my therapist.
It took another five years, but after ten years with my therapist, I felt secure.
I have no real understanding of what I mean by that, although my therapist did and tried to explain it to me. But I do believe it's true.
And yet at this point in our relationship, when I actually feel more attached and vulnerable with him than ever, I *think* I'm ready to give up the plan that I've had for nearly ten years.
I think... I think...
I think it's because of my son. I was with him the other night, in a group of kids, and I really *felt* how much I love him. And the same thing happened yesterday.
I have always had trouble feeling love, at gut level. I have known I loved him, but I just have this trouble feeling it, for anyone. I don't know if anyone understands that. That for me there's a difference between loving someone and feeling that bubble of joy in the tummy that comes from feeling that love. My therapist says that doesn't make me awful, that I have troble feeling it, because I do it. I don't know.
But now I have felt that love for him, I can't bear to inflict on him what pain my plan would bring him, no matter how much pain I'm in myself.
Sooo... I think my instructions to my therapist should stand. Because in those first moments of pain, I might forget that I've given up my plan. It would be good to be safely in a hospital until they've got me stabilized on some AP's for a few days. But after that... I think I'd find another therapist. Even if I have to go through every one in my area until I find one that feels a bit right, at least. Because I think therapy is good for me, and it's what helps keep me stable.
Of course, I'm a bit afraid to hit the save button, for fear I'll be giving the fates permission for my therapist to abandon me. But I'm not doing that. It would still hurt very very much, and I still need *him*, not just a generic therapist.
poster:Dinah
thread:504109
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050528/msgs/504109.html