Posted by 10derHeart on May 23, 2005, at 12:53:45
In reply to Re: It Seems Mostly Alright Now » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on May 21, 2005, at 12:39:04
...at the very, very end. After the lovely question about me being okay or not. And frankly, spoiled it a little. Not entirely, but some.
Funny, I already find myself blaming myself for "setting him up" to say this. Which I see is pretty twisted, but I'm still doing it.
Okay....I was fumbling around trying to give an honest and coherent answer to, "are you okay?" In doing that, I blurted out something about knowing I felt much better continuing to come in to see him, better than quitting, or running away (from therapy). So he says (and in a business-like and matter-of-fact tone, which was VERY jarring), "oh, well, when you decide to do that, just let me know." I snapped, "What is that supposed to mean?" He said, "Nothing bad. Just that if you want to stop, tell me, so we can discuss termination." I stuffed my emotions at that second, very hard, and just answered with some surface crap. Luckily, he was turning toward his desk, so he didn't see me visibly compose myself and even wipe away the instant tears.. :-(
[Warning: sarcasm ahead....]
My reaction at the time, and still now, is a fun mix of anger, hurt and confusion..... For example.....
Well, thanks a LOT, buddy! Isn't that nice!? So, even after today, when I thought we were fighting on the same side to connect better, and bandage up my apparent hurt, it's just not really that important, is it? If I just said I felt like stopping after 6 months, we'd just have some textbook talk about termination? THAT'S your first thought when I say something like that?!! Great. So you don't really care. It's all crap. I'm just another warm body, filling up 10:00 Wednesdays, easily replaced by someone else... I knew it. No wonder I can't feel cared about - I forgot it's just a big business transaction anyway.
Sighs and more sighs. I could go on and be more graphic about the feelings of rejection and being of little value that one statement brought up. But it hurts my stomach, my heart, and makes me cry. So I won't. Yes, I know, the answer is is bring this up right away next time. But darn it, that will occupy the whole session, I can tell. Who knows where that will go? I feel like there are so many other things to talk about, we'll never get there with all the time taken on hashing out my need to feel wanted and special and important. Crud.
But then, maybe the rest of everything will never work right if I suppress this. I guess I know the answer. Hah. I'm one who said I couldn't conceive of ever having a similar attachment to another T., after my first one. Who I still miss and am still quite deeply attached to - in a different way. Perhaps I was mistaken.
Gosh, this hurts a lot. Thanks for "listening" - it helps to release it.
poster:10derHeart
thread:500036
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050521/msgs/501721.html