Posted by messadivoce on May 17, 2005, at 16:09:20
My biggest regret about my therapy is that I did not tell my T about the csa.
I was too ashamed. I think that if I had been forced to tell, I would have curled up and died of humiliation. You see, I still think it was my fault. As though I caused it. And worse, I had biological responses to it that my body couldn't help. There are undeniable consequences that are present in my abilities to be intimate with a man.
I am not sexually active. Maybe that's part of why I'm not. I was raised a certain religious way too. But I think the shame has a lot to do with the fact that I'm 22 and still a virgin. I know, that's very weird these days. Even the gyno I went to in Feb was not good at hiding her shock. So much for professionalism. Anyway.
I wrote about how it would have been had I told my T. How he would have responded, how he would have looked and sounded, and what he would have said to me. How he would have told me it wasn't my fault. And how I would have cried. I didn't cry in 8 months of therapy with him. But in my story, I let myself sob and cry for a long time.
I'm scared that I'm wrong, that he would have reacted by being shocked or blaming me, or saying that I deserved it.
But I remember how he was with me. He was so gentle. He held me with his eyes and his voice. He made me feel safe. I have to believe that he would have been able to take this info and hold that too, along with everything else.
I miss him so much.
poster:messadivoce
thread:499027
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/499027.html