Posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 15:34:05
In reply to Re: I don't have to pretend anything here » fallsfall, posted by pinkeye on May 9, 2005, at 13:27:23
I have been having this intense desire to now go back to my ex T and tell him everything, and somehow get some understanding from him. Because I think that would really help me.
He is philosophically very strong person, and he might be able to help me out of all this guilt and unworthy feeling..
But I am so goddamn scared.. What if he never replies? I would be devastated completely.. and even if he replies and says something like back off or don't write to me anymore, I will be completely gone.. and I think I don't really want a therapeutic response anymore either. I want a response from like a friend, like how you guys give me here.. The kind of non commital and blank slate response is the last that I need now also.
Hmm.. no, maybe I just better keep it all to myself.
> I have tried to be.. as much as I understood myself at that point, I have been honest with my ex T.. except maybe the part about my dad.. and it is very hard for me to put my father down in front of his eyes.. Now I am actually realizing that I didn't have to protect my dad so much. Maybe my ex T would have understood.. But I feel like what if he had thought, "Oh, I thought she was only little bit messed up, now it is great to see how messed up she really is".. And I couldn't have taken it. I guess I was really scared, and I didn't realize how much all this was affecting me at that time either.. I thought I was ok. And I wanted him to like me, and I was so desperate for his approval also, maybe that is why I tried to get better so much with him. I felt ashamed - that he wouldn't like me if he knows what I did with my dad.. about allowing him to be physically so close to me etc.. even though now I realize it was totally not my fault.. I never once initiated any thing with my dad, and I tried to pull several times away from him. But he simply wouldn't let me, and I was afraid of hurting his feelings.
poster:pinkeye
thread:495224
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/495633.html