Posted by mair on May 6, 2005, at 16:46:52
In reply to Re: I don't admit it because I'm afraid, posted by sunny10 on May 6, 2005, at 11:27:41
Sunny - I used to feel afraid but my T and I worked through most of those fears several years ago when I was in pretty bad shape. She started talking about the hospital and I pretty much freaked and started feeling like I needed to stop talking to her about how I really felt or deceiving her about what kind of shape I was in. She mentioned involuntary commitments and I went and did some research and figured out that she could never succeed on that tact - in my state it seems pretty impossible to hospitalize someone without their consent. I made a slight meds change which made a huge difference and I started to get better so the threat of hospitalization disappeared. However, after that we spent alot of time processing what had happened and how I felt about how she dealt with things. I think I persuaded her that sometimes I just needed to talk about suicide and I think she came to trust that I would call her before I hurt myself, and I came to trust that I would reach out to her first as well. (before then, definitely not even remotely a given)
Since then she hasn't, in my mind, overreacted to my periodic suicidal obsessions. During this current episode she did say something that was really telling to me - namely that if she started to think I was a very serious risk, she wouldn't necessarily try to get me into a hospital, but she would first contact my husband to make sure systems were put in place to make sure I was never alone. That, too, sounds pretty horrifying but at least it's another option, and it told me that she didn't take at all lightly my aversion to hospitalization.
My T is not a heavy handed person - her style is much more to nicely persuade. I'm sure if she ever thought it was absolutely necessary, I'd be very much a part of the decision making process. But talking to her about all this ad nauseum over a very long period of time has brought us to a place where I'm really not afraid of what she might do to me.
I don't think I avoid the subject with her because I'm "caretaking." I've had the thought before that I didn't want to worry her, but frankly sometimes I think I need her to worry about me. I think I get really hung up on the notion that I shouldn't talk about it unless I'm really pretty much there. I feel bad afterwards because I think that maybe I've made things sound worse than they are - this sometimes leads to the confusing conundrum of thinking that if I am going to talk about my suicidal feelings, I should just act on them. Sort of the put up or shut up challenge.
mair
poster:mair
thread:493207
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/494627.html