Posted by pinkeye on May 5, 2005, at 20:55:37
In reply to Re: Pinkeye? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on May 5, 2005, at 20:10:05
I agree with you in a sense. I am never able to treat what my father did as an abuse. In fact I was horrified at that word when my new T mentioned it.
But she has been saying that, I need to atleast acknowledge it.. She actually in fact tries to make me more angry at my father than I really am. She keeps calling me a victim again and again, when I firmly refused that, and I think whatever my dad did, he did out of love for me. But she keeps saying that he puts his own needs above me, and caused me signifcant damage.
I don't know really Dinah. I would never be able to think of my dad as having abused me either. I still think I was loved the most by him, and whatever wrong doings he did, he did out of excessive love.
But my new T says that I am taking too much responsibility.. that I am taking all the blame on myself, whereas I should really atleast acknowledge what my dad did. That is why in the past few weeks I have been trying write more and more about what happened with my father in this board. She says that if I don't atleast experience the anger, then I will never get cured. She actually says my rheumatoid arthritis is all due to that mostly - bottled up anger and rage.
And I can see her point. She says it is either I blame my father, or I end up blaming myself, and hurting my own body. She thinks as a child, I took everything upon myself, assumed full responsibility for everything, for the problems between my dad and my mom, my father's excessive anger, my mother's sadness - everything on myself and that I blamed myself excessively. She says that is I why I feel very guilty, and not worhty of being loved by anyone closely etc.
And I can see that she is perhaps quite right.. I have always felt that I cannot depend on anyone in an emotional sense. As long as it is kind of logical help taking, I can allow myself to take that, but once it comes to a person really trying to be emotionally intimate wiht me, and lend me emotional support, I tend to withdraw.
I have been trying to change for a long time now.
poster:pinkeye
thread:494198
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050504/msgs/494253.html