Posted by Daisym on January 12, 2005, at 11:19:01
In reply to Update and thoughts (long), posted by Skittles on January 12, 2005, at 3:59:31
Skittles, I think rupture and repair are part of the process of bringing the relationship to the next deeper level. It hurts like hell and it isn't pretty, but if you hang in there, you will most likely learn something about yourself and about your therapist. And she will learn ways of helping you that she didn't know before. As wonderful as I think my therapist is, he has triggered my abandonment fears in a huge way a couple of times. Each time we work hard to figure out how to come back together and how we could do things differently the next time. I think you were absolutely right in talking to her sooner than later. These things get so big when we are left alone to think about all the possible ramifications and hidden meanings. Don't torture yourself by guessing at her motives or her current feelings. She is NOT sitting in her office thinking that you are not worth all this trouble, etc. I have a few thoughts on your points:
>>>1. Her voice on my machine was awful, like an unpleasant stranger. She usually sounds so wonderfully kind and soothing and this was so painful to hear. It was new and ugly and I don't know what it meant. Was she panicked? Frustrated with me? Stressed? Angry? I've never heard it before, so I don't know. Regardless, I can't get it out of my head. Would it be too much to ask that she call and leave me another message so I'd have it to listen to over the weekend (she's going to be out of town from Friday through Monday)? Maybe she could say that we will work it out and be okay. Any other ideas what might be helpful to hear?
<<<I leave the most businesslike messages when I call clients or colleagues. I don't know who else will pick up the messages or be listening so typically they are very short and to the point. I wish you hadn't erased her message (I know you had to) but I think you might want to consider your own panic and fear -- after all you needed to hide it from your husband! Plus, what must have sounded threatening was probably indeed full of her worry. So don't read too much into "tone of voice" when you had nothing else to match it too. The biggest thing to remember here is that she gave you her HOME number and asked you to call her. She didn't say, "sorry I missed you. Catch you later." She knew it was a big deal. I think if you have voice mail on your cell phone, you could ask her to call it and leave you a message. Tell her you need reassurance that you are both committed to working it through. I can hear you thinking, "I'll feel like a little kid asking that" but really, you will feel so much better. Besides, this would be a good time to talk more about how to leave messages for each other. If I leave a message for my therapist and we miss each other (I have the same issues you do with privacy) he leaves a message that either answers my question, provides reassurance (Yes, I'll be there on Monday, or yes, you will get through this) or tells me he will try again in an hour, or whatever. That way I know when to find privacy. But we had to work this out.
>>>>2. Why did this happen? Why did she think I was in such bad shape? This I think I might understand. I was at my most suicidal a couple of months ago, but to her it looked like I was improving. I didn't let her see on the outside anything close to a true reflection of the inside. She commented a couple of times when I was dressed up how nice I looked. What she doesn't know is that on those days I was going straight from her office to an attorney who was working on my will. She was pleased to see I was reconnecting with people. What she doesn't know is that I was seeing them "one last time." Currently I don't feel anywhere near as low as I did then, but I'm letting her in more and showing lots more emotion so I'm sure it seems really serious to her. But now I'm afraid to tell her any of this.
<<<<My most pushy answer here is you make yourself tell her because without being honest, you can't get better. You should be more afraid of the suicidal thoughts and feelings than being embarrassed to tell her. Just telling her can calm those thoughts down. I had to learn this too. I suspect that you also scared her. You hid what was happening so well and she didn't pick up on it. So now she is terrified that you are doing it again. Certainly you proved you were capable of fooling her. But letting her in and letting her care will ultimately keep you safe and help you heal. The more you do this though, the more vulnerable you are and the more you will be in pieces and parts for her to see. This is a fragile time and she knows that. Why did this happen? There is no answer to this. I think stuff just does when you are in a deep relationship with someone. There is a loss of control.
>>>>>3. What's really lost here? I hate to say I don't trust her because really, given the circumstances, I don't think she did anything wrong. But it still hurt and now something feels drastically different. Could it be that now it's unsafe to trust her? Are safety and trust two different things? Is it possible to lose trust when nobody did anything wrong? I'm trying to name what has changed, but it is so hard.
<<<<<<<What is lost here is perfection - that perfect attunement that we all hope to have with someone. Our therapist come closer than anyone and there are sessions when they get it exactly right. When these kinds of ruptures happen, we ask ourselves if they know us at all...have they been listening? Or, are we in worse shape than we thought and we just can't see it? I think safety and trust are two different things. I've recently been dealing a lot with the safety part but I trust my therapist completely. It doesn't feel safe to trust someone this much. I think the other thing that hurts, and what has changed, perhaps, is that you were slapped with the reality that this is her job and part of her job has protocols and procedures to keep you safe. You have no real control over those rules, except to quit. It felt bad for her to treat you like a "clinical case" -- she applied universal rules to your individual situation. I think the potential loss of your privacy, instigated by the person who knows the most about you, is huge. Understandable on an intellectual level, but it might feel like an abandonment on some primal level. In my experience, only time and talking about it makes it better. You have to reconnect emotionally. You can't just understand it intellectually.
>>>>>>4. Maybe everything is okay when it's the two of us together in a room. Maybe it's the addition of a thrid entity (the service, in this case) which neither of us can control that is the problem. If we could fix that, would she not be sucked away anymore? Would I be able to feel her again? She told me "that" night that she usually returns calls within 15 minutes and if she doesn't, I should call the service again. But if I lose my privacy in the meantime and can't answer whenever she calls back, calling the service again doesn't help anything. Might even make her MORE worried because now there's more than one call from me. She said she'd be thinking about this, but I have been too. Here's what I've come up with. I can keep calling the service every 15 minutes until either I hear from her or no longer have privacy. Assuming she'd allow me to dial her cell and has the ability to accept text messages, once the privacy is gone I could text her and let her know. And perhaps for her sake, she'd have something specific she'd like me to say to let her know how safe I am. That way, if I didn't answer, she could check her cell before freaking out. What do you think? Other than the obvious of not wanting me to use her cell number, any thoughts about problems she might have with this idea?
<<<<<<I think this is a good idea if she has given you her cell number. I think it is important that you figure out specific statements for you to say that let her know what the call is about. One of my issues was leaving a message with anyone else about very private feelings. Reaching out was so hard in the first place, I didn't want to be mortified by someone else listening to my pathetic "I need you" stuff. He shares a direct message system with one other therapist. I use to say in my best professional voice, "please call me if you have an opportunity before our next appointment." Sheesh. And then I was destroyed that he would call back the next day or whatever. And he'd be upset that he didn't know how bad it was for me. So we worked out a basic system: "I just need to touch base" -- "I'm not doing very well" -- "I'm in trouble and I'm alone" or "I'm in trouble but I'm safe with (name)" He knows the couple of people I'd go to. And they have his number too. I think you have to also have to talk about the fact that you might call for things other than feeling suicidal -- or, if you think that is the only reason you would call, be aware of that too. I agree that leaving 4 or 5 messages seems extreme. What is she was on the phone with another client and couldn't call you back for 1/2 an hour or so, but did get the page?
This won't be easy but I think you have a foundation to work back from this. It also points up the fact that you need (at least) two other people to call and talk to when you feel horrible. I can say this to you because I resisted this hugely for more than a year. But I've learned that my therapist can't be my only form of support, even if he is my main one. It was hard, I started with an online buddy (who has grown into a dear friend, we mainly chat but I can and have, called her) and I talked to two IRL friends about what was going on for me. They don't have all the details. But I can call and say "this s*chs" and they let me hang out. They don't exactly understand this attachment back and forth, but they understand it is hard for me.
I feel for you. Maybe because I've recently gone through this myself. But I'm proof that things can be repaired and come out better. And we learn that we can indeed work it through and not just have to cut our losses and run from it. This is a relationship worth saving. You need her support. Fight for it.
Keep writing too, if you want. I'll help anyway I can. I tend to go over and over the same issues here, it helps me organize my thoughts and gives me courage to bring things up in therapy. You are doing a lot of great work thinking about this. I know you will get through it.
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:440519
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050111/msgs/441141.html