Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2005, at 9:08:01
In reply to the pattern » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on January 1, 2005, at 7:48:48
I asked because sometimes things in a relationship are our perception and not reality. It helps to get the other person's reality and try to mesh them. There's a perception that all reality is on the part of the therapist and all misconception is on the part of the client. But I think that's not always, or perhaps even usually, true. Unless we find we are perceiving the same things in different people frequently enough that perhaps we should open our minds to the possibility that what we are seeing is in *us* not them. But if we perceive something about our therapists that we don't generally have a pattern of perceiving in others, I sort of think there is often a grain of truth to it. Because many of us are more perceptive than the average bear. That's when it's helpful to talk it over time and time again, and find out what is behind the kernel of truth that we perceive.
I did that with my therapist and found that yes, there was truth to my perceptions, but that no, that truth was not as big and as bad as I had feared. To me that was way more reassuring than if he had constantly told me that there was no truth whatsoever. I would have constantly been at odds between what I saw and what I was told. But when we discovered the truth together, we were able to work things out until they were no longer an undercurrent in our relationship.
A few examples if I haven't bored you to tears already. I perceived that he was uncomfortable with my dependence, while he denied it. When we finally had that big blowup where he accidentally blurted that he had trouble with dependent women, and it wasn't anything specific to me, he became a much better therapist and the resistance he was putting up to my dependence faded away. Without the resistance, my dependence had nothing to push against, and it lessened in strength. I perceived that he did *not* want me to talk about me and me. While I never directly addressed the topic, I talked around it for years, until I finally sat him down and told him it was getting in the way of my therapy. Years after that he admitted that a) he didn't want to encourage or create ego states that didn't exist before therapy and b) he had MPD burnout having had several in his caseload shortly before seeing me. It was so much a relief to hear him admit that. To know what it was that I was picking up from him and why. He also used to be sort of appalled at my grooming. He said again yesterday that he didn't think less of me for it (when I was commenting that his hair always looked good enough to take a photo and that when he looked at me he must feel...). And today I think maybe he sees *me* and isn't in fact mildly revolted. I doubt he'll *ever* admit to that one, but I know it's true. :)
I suppose I should clarify that he never expressed these things to meet his own needs. He always (except perhaps the one blurting time) assessed the value of admitting to the truth that I already knew. And I don't think he's ever misjudged that.
So I think it's a healthy thing to hash things out and find out what's the truth at the base of what may be a manufactured structure of assumptions on our part. But maybe that's just me. I have to admit that I've been willing (and even relieved) to hear less than flattering things as long as they weren't as bad as I feared. Perhaps not everyone is willing to do that. Which is perfectly ok too.
One of the things I like best about my therapist is his unflappability. He flares into anger occasionally, but he's open and receptive to whatever I say and whatever me shows up to therapy. He doesn't even skip a beat. I think it would be very distressing to me if he were very emotional. But I'm sure to other people, it is very validating to have a therapist who empathizes so. Particularly if the therapist is expressing things that they can't.
poster:Dinah
thread:433059
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041228/msgs/436302.html