Posted by daisym on December 17, 2004, at 1:47:17
In reply to Re: More Melt downs, posted by gardenergirl on December 16, 2004, at 19:37:19
I can't believe how quickly I've slid all the way back into the hole. I told my therapist today that the only answer to all of this is the check out completely. He said if I'm talking about suicide I need to use that word and be clear. And of course, he said that isn't the answer. I told him I just can't, CAN'T, go back into this and deal with the pain. He said it doesn't look like I have much choice, but that he is ready to go back with me. He wants me to remember that I'm not alone.
I guess the good thing about being so completely triggered is that I'm unable to edit myself. And I'm not stifled. I'm talking a mile a minute about the csa and I'm flipping from the past to present and back again. I'm shocked at how intense the memories are and how many new ones there are.
And I'm terrified by how honest I am being with my therapist and how demanding. (I have a separate post about this.) I am sure he is going to get sick of me and my hysterics and say, "enough!" He hasn't so far, he actually is increasing contact. But he has that worried look on his face.
I owe him at least a whole box of tissues. I'm so thankful he is working next week. I've completely regressed and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. All I can do is watch and then cringe and then cry.
He brought back up medication today. He wants me to see a Pdoc, and he said I'd need to be honest about what we are dealing with. Not the details but at least saying that I'm doing deep work on sexual abuse. I can't see me telling anyone else about this, especially in the state I'm in. We are going to talk more about it on Monday. I'm almost desperate enough to be ready for it.
Sorry, I feel like coal in everyone's stocking.
poster:daisym
thread:429684
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/430635.html