Posted by 10derheart on December 16, 2004, at 18:53:38
I'm so disappointed in myself today. I feel I'm suddenly backsliding and can't stop it. A few of you may remember I have been grieving the loss of my old T. about 6 months ago, but the twist is we've been in contact by email. That's averaged maybe 2-3 times a week since September. He's been amazing and calmly, kindly supported me through this transition. It would take another separate thread to even begin to do justice to his willingness to adapt and work with me in a way clearly different from anyone else he's ever gone through termination with. Progress had been made in me moving forward, though, or so I thought.
Last week, after deciding to go back into individual therapy, I had my first session with a new T. He's an older psychologist, who happens to have known of my former T. (they did meet once) by reputation. It felt pretty comfortable (I even cried - which took seven months w/old T. who I loved and trusted! what gives there?!) He seemed to adjust to me immediately as a therapy veteran (his words) and was very supportive of helping me work through the issue of the still acutely painful feelings for my old T., and didn't freak out in the least we were still in contact. Told me his phone call policy without having to be asked. Used great analogies and was funny at the right times. All good signs.
So, I told old T. this happened and I intended to see new T. regularly. He was naturally pleased. I also happened to tell him at the same time some very honest truths about how I'd tested him with these emails, needing to see if he was genuine and wouldn't abandon me, even under these unique conditions. Much more than that, but I can't really explain without all the earlier context. Anyway, he answered me that everything I said was awesome. He doesn't even use the word *awesome* <grin>. Then the next day, I mentioned I had a scary issue to ask him about, but was going to go over it w/new T. first, then ask him if *we* decided it was the thing to do. Old T. replied, "Process an issue with new therapist first?! Even more awesome." He is somewhat quiet, controlled and even a tad shy, so this was like him jumping up and down, yelling, "Whoo- hoo! Hurray for 10derHeart!" So all things felt so positive and steady until yesterday morning.
Early yesterday, new T. cancels 2nd session 45 mins. before because he's so sick he's on his way to the doctor and can't see patients. Apologizes and says he'll call back later in the day to reschedule. It's been 2 days and he never called back. I left a message this afternoon but no response. I hardly know the man, but my intuition and his caring, professional attitude so far tells me this isn't normal practice. So Lord only knows the terrible things I'm imagining. Have tons of CBT skills from the past and can't seem to summon them up.
So today, I'm been falling apart hour by hour. Long story, but my usual friends and family (of which there are few anyway) aren't available right now. Not the way they usually are. And I'm been striving so sincerely to detach from old T., really, truly as I'll have to in order to work with new T. So, at the first sign of a shaky day with some unknowns, what do I do? Send a long email to old T. telling him how awful I feel, and how shocked and confused I was this cancellation would matter this much when we haven't even started yet! Alternately apologized for letting him down by sending it, but said I felt like the adult took a vacation and left a small child here alone w/no one. I don't normally talk like that to him. Never since he left. I also told him in these exact words, "I don't want to want what I apparently still want from you." I guess he'll know I mean clutching on again for dear life when I told him not 2 days ago I had let go of the life preserver with at least one hand. I sound like I don't even know a thing about myself. It's so strange and sudden.
I feel so sad and like I can't take a deep breath. I remember this, it's anxiety like I thought I'd mastered quite a long time ago. I know old T. will probably answer with something nice and reassuring. Could have already but I'm scared to check email. If he didn't I'll be devastated. If he did, who knows? I'll probably want to keep emailing him to soothe myself. And he'll probably let me. Now I sound like I'm complaining he's been so gentle and patient about this! Argggh! What the heck do I want?
Sorry, all. I'm all churned up, obviously. Sorry this is so disjointed. I've never chosen to post when I was this distressed before. I just miss old T's physical presence so badly. And I'm trying to be the *good former-patient* for him so he won't get sick of me. This is all too many feelings at one time. So now I have to force myself to go to stores and finish some shopping or boxes won't be mailed tomorrow. Oh, joy. I love Christmas, normally. What an emotional mess.
poster:10derheart
thread:430452
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041210/msgs/430452.html