Posted by underthecs on November 16, 2004, at 20:43:02
In reply to Re: body memories **may trigger** » underthecs, posted by Daisym on November 16, 2004, at 12:49:07
married 5 years. it's not really about him. of course him having to beg for sex and going w/o for most of the last 2 years has driven a wedge between us, but it's not about him.
what happened 2 years ago? well i didn't mention this becuz it didn't seem significant and there wasn't really a trigger. i was in a detox and after a few days there, started feeling weird body things. so i left after just a week, didn't really complete the program. was REALLY happy to see my husband when i got home, hypersexual even. then without warning, just a few days after i got home, these things started happening.
i'm really frustrated becuz i can't describe the physical "issues." when i try to put it into words, i either can't find the words, or i space out, go blank.
can't sleep at night w/o drinking or taking a xanax or two or 10. have tried lots of meds, nothing works except the addictive ones. i can sleep during the day, just not at night. which is only a problem because i have to work during the day. so sleeping at night would be great! no matter how tired i am, as soon as i think to myself how great it will be to get some sleep, i get to bed and it all starts. last night was the worst. sitting in bed with the light on, afraid to turn it off. feeling like someone was watching, hiding, going to get me. the breeze from the fan felt like someone breathing on me. felt like someone was going to sneak up behind me and grab me. i wrapped up in my comforter and left a little hole to breathe through. been doing that most of my life. now i can't even share the comforter w/my husband. he knows not to touch my "cocoon." but it's hard to fall asleep and harder to stay asleep and i'm so tired right now but i know what will happen if i try to go to bed again.
can't really talk about it in therapy. can only sit and cry about it at bedtime (and can really only cry if it's really scary, which has only been a handful of times). i always can't wait to go to therapy to be able to "dump" it, but when i get there i go blank, can't feel anything, am calm, feel like nothing is wrong. then when i leave i get angry about wasting the time and being an imposter; like there's this part of me that thinks everythings fine, but the part that knows something's wrong hides and comes out to taunt me when i leave (sort of like "ha! i'm not going to let you tell. nobody's going to know there's anything wrong. you are going to act normal in front of people"). well that just sort of came to me today. i don't really say that to myself; nor do i "hear" that. it just helps me explain what is going on, i think. having said that, there's really nothing wrong. except that my brain thinks there is or something. i don't know. i'm tired. thank you all for listening and responding. i just don't have it in me to respond to anyone personally right now. i'm just so tired of this. i want to die! there's just no escaping it.
sorry if some of this is repetitive. i can't really go back and read my other posts.
poster:underthecs
thread:415216
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041113/msgs/416865.html