Posted by Pfinstegg on November 4, 2004, at 19:48:59
In reply to Re: What I want, What she fears » Pfinstegg, posted by daisym on November 4, 2004, at 13:02:18
You've got a more complex situation than I do, because your father is still alive and part of your life- and your husband's and children's. I do think that makes it harder. My husband always knew my father was physically and verbally abusive, but not sexually- because I didn't know it, exactly, either. Like yours', they actually had a good relationship, and enjoyed doing things together. Because he died ten years ago, we are a little freer to talk to each other honestly about everything now. I am so grateful that he does understand- the fact that he has started therapy himself makes him much more tuned in on things that might otherwise seem strange- like the different *parts*!
I can certainly empathize with those powerful feelings of needing one's therapist- every moment!-,of feeling abandonned just by MY walking out of his office, and of feeling that he can't stand working with me one session longer. When the memories I mentioned finally came into my mind, so I could communicate them to him, I began to feel a lot more confident about my relationship with him- all those fears seemed to melt away. For the moment, I think more parts of me feel attached and trusting; in contrast to almost the whole of the past year, I feel now that we are very close, and that each of us enjoys working with one another, through thick and thin.. It honestly feels so good not to have these unconscious secrets causing so much anxiety- my *girl* now has a safe person to share them with for the first time.
I know I am really blessed and fortunate to be in analysis, going five times a week. This gives me the wonderful sense of security that it will not be long before I see him again. And, I have been doing this for 20 months, and it's only just now that this openness and security is present. It took all that time to get it- and I know I'll lose and gain it many. many times in the coming months (years?)
I was struck by the letters you were able to write from the two different parts of yourself- first the one to your husband, and then the one from little Daisy, expressing so much rage and need. I'm very impressed, and know how hard it is to access a range of emotions from such a long-ago part of ourselves. It sounds so important, and so healthy. Little pfinstegg is still more frozen than anything else. Just today, my analyst asked, "where is her anger?" I'm going to try your letter technique!
poster:Pfinstegg
thread:410840
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20041104/msgs/411883.html