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Borderline Personality Disorder and Abandonment terrics

Posted by corafree on October 11, 2004, at 5:09:13

In reply to Re: the frustration continues crushedout, posted by terrics on June 3, 2004, at 14:35:12

T - Been needing to talk. I started in emotional regulation in DBT. I have my fourth group session coming up. One thing is for sure; I believe I've identified my strongest emotion, and it is fear. After my Dad died in Feb., my fam of origin abandoned me, I think you know that? That fear, going through that all that grief alone, is awful. Finally, after my last 'stupid' attempt to 'REACH' my mother, brother, and three sisters, ... my so-called advocate, one of my daughters, wrote them an email w/ her 'wise mind.' I think they're dumbfounded. This is good - it helps me to put an end to them, as they did me. I have never, ever, felt soooo much fear, fear of change, fear of what my mother may do. I have also ended a very long, toxic relationship, that always scared me, and now am even more scared ... freaky?! Toying w/ idea of filing order of protection w/ local courts. With the help of my 'advocate', I got the 'umf' I to try LET THE FAM GO, LET THE TOXIC BOYFRIEND GO, GIVE MYSELF CREDIT FOR THE EFFORT I AM MAKING. I saw a new Pdoc while all this was happening and he allowed me 6Klonopin daily, so that helps somewhat. The Effexor has always helped, but he did mention a possible increase in the future. I'd rather not do that tho'. Oh (sigh), 'once upon a time' seems like it never happened, but those things that happened to the real ME, and now this ME needs to know what I apparently never learned. I didn't realize I was so fragile. But now I believe I suffer as tho' I was a soldier returning from war to no job, no family, no congratulations. Once in a while I will think, is it legal for a wealthy family to dump the 'mentally ill' members of their families into the system? Without them invalidating me and w/o the ex scaring me, I think DBT will help, although I don't think I consciously realize that it already may be doing that. I don't feel like it is, but the counselors (in their weekly mtg), or as my T says, say I'm doing well. Sometimes I really just feel like nothing is getting thought to me. I want to live a good and friendly life with a good 'buddy'; w/o so much fear, anger, and sadness. By the way, I also identify strongly with anger and sadness. I'm so thankful that my daughter put her fam' reputation on the line for me, and hope it doesn't hurt her; but, no one would listen to me. My T revised my diary card, adding topics - Feeling of Rejection/Invalidation; Physical Pain; Feeling Thankful (all is so negative on diary card). I do pray to my Dad. Sometimes I feel every bad feeling lifted from me, and feel loved, okay w/ myself, and able to give people the benefit of the doubt. That is chilling! That's when I feel thankful. Do you agree sacrifice=resurrection? I must be doing something right to feel good and calm, even if it is fleeting. Right now as I'm writing to you, fear is at my 'center', with all this change. I would like to hear how you're doing. Miss you all. Best wishes from CF




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