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Re: childhood rooms (long) » Pfinstegg

Posted by daisym on August 15, 2004, at 2:25:40

In reply to Re: childhood rooms » daisym, posted by Pfinstegg on August 14, 2004, at 19:04:53

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story. I think that your therapist is amazing. I can hear how attached you are and he responds in such a wonderful way.

Its funny, the adult seems to have more "fun" interactions than the child. We trade a lot of smart a** barbs, puns and stories about our kids. But there are gentle interactions with the child that are very touching. I remember her telling him about her big brother and he responded with such caring and admiration for him. And now brings him up by name when she is scared and alone in her memories.

It also isn't uncommon for her to come out after I've told him something hard because she is scared that I'm telling. She often whispers, "I know I was bad but don't leave me" and he always says very quietly back, "I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. You haven't done anything wrong." She needs to hear this again and again.

When we were getting ready for his vacation I told him she had gone to hide very far inside, sort of like Get Smart...all those doors and locks. He said it was a good thing he had a decoder ring and the phone shoe because he had every intention of coming after her when he got back. He said, "now that I found her, I have no intention of letting her get lost again." She needed to hear that.

The other thing that occurred to me yesterday is that what my therapist did for me: trying to make his absence easier, listening to my fears and giving me something to hold and to listen to, no one has ever done for me before. Even as a little kid, I always had people telling me "you are strong, or "there is no reason to feel like that" or "it's not that bad." Now I'm the one telling myself all those things.

What I'm experiencing with my therapist is somone telling me my fears are old, but valid. That he does understand that I'm bereft (he used that word) and that I "need" him to not fragment. And he went out of his way to give me some special things to comfort me. It is the comfort part I think that really is new. He could easily have just said, "You will be OK and I'll be back." And that is true. And I would have figured out my own way to live through this. But I've never had someone provide that level of psychological comfort and soothing. Never.

I never even thought about what I needed as far as deep connective comfort. And no one offered it, even if I didn't ask.

I'm not surprised that he found a way to do this...I'm surprised that anyone does this. And I'm really surprised by how much it means to me. He gave me what I didn't even know I wanted and needed: permission to miss him and not be stoic. I can't find the right words to explain exactly what I'm feeling. I guess I'm completely astonished that this part of me was met with such acceptance and understanding.

Which doesn't mean I don't miss him terribly. And the child inside IS bereft. But it is a tender grief, and not something I've felt before.

 

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