Posted by crushedout on April 6, 2004, at 23:31:00
In reply to Redirect: my grandma died today, posted by Dr. Bob on April 6, 2004, at 20:18:23
Well, I went to therapy today. We spent the first half talking about my grandma and my family but then I brought up the termination issue in the second half. It was really weird and confusing. I explained that I felt like it wasn't really working anymore, that therapy was causing me more problems than helping me at this point, and I didn't feel like we were making any progress on working through my transference. Quite the opposite, in fact: I felt like it was getting worse and more painful.She looked mad. I asked her if she was mad but she said she wasn't -- she was just sad for me. She wished she could make the process go faster for me but she couldn't. She felt like if I stopped therapy, I would be missing an important opportunity to work through some stuff about my mother (I really don't see the connection, which I told her, and she looked annoyed). She said she would support me whatever I decided and that she didn't necessarily disagree with me that it was a bad idea. For example, she said, she thought I should stop if (a) I was having trouble feeling invested in the rest of my life (umm, yes) and/or (b) my feelings about her were making me feel so "dysregulated" that the only way I could cope with them was to cut (um, yes also).
This is a brief, haphazard summary of what happened. I almost cried a few times (rare, for me) and she seemed very unempathic (unusual, for her). But that could have just been my perception, I suppose. She scooted me out of there in a way that made me feel really bad (we had run over).
Then I left to travel to see my family far away (where I am now). At my layover airport, I started crying (it felt like really, really deep grief, but not about my grandma -- about my T) and couldn't stop. It was so painful. I ended up calling her and leaving a message. She didn't call me back.
I'm really depressed and confused and lost. I don't want to stop seeing her at all because she's the most important person in the world to me. The only person in the world who makes me feel understood (most of the time), safe, who I respect and love dearly. I don't know. It's going to be sooo painful to give her up. But she also causes me sooo much pain that I think I should. But maybe I *am* passing up an important opportunity. And this bond we've developed -- a bond I've *never* found anywhere else in my entire life -- how can I just walk away from that?
Plus, there's the whole matter of finding another T. I am so picky, especially now. I'll never find one. I feel pretty miserable, hopeless even. help.
poster:crushedout
thread:332291
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040402/msgs/333579.html