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crash after a great week

Posted by crushedout on March 18, 2004, at 18:35:52

I've been doing really well for the past week or so. Feeling positive, energetic, upbeat, hopeful, *happy* even. And not in a manic way, but in a calm, productive, healthy-feeling way. And I saw my T three times this week -- the first two sessions were very good. Today was rough, though.

I don't know what happened. I was in a great mood, went to therapy, and when I left, I felt demoralized and knew I was going to crash. I tried to fight it but I knew I couldn't.

I heard her being really critical of me. She started the session late and her previous client looked upset when leaving. I wondered if she'd just had a rough session and maybe wasn't really completely present for mine. I actually felt like she was hostile to me but I don't know if it was in my head. It felt like she wanted to take me down a few notches because I was feeling too good about myself, and if she did, then she succeeded. But I realize I'm probably being paranoid. Then again, maybe not. Therapists are human, too. She could have some countertransference hate or hostility -- who knows?

Anyway, I don't know what to do. I wish that I could talk to her, but I know if I call her that will only alienate her more. She feels like I put too much pressure on her: I want to see her three times a week (we're officially down to two now but I'm pushing to go back to three), I called her once on the weekend, and I email her occasionally (she said I could). It's not so much all that but I guess I blame her for my being depressed a lot and she feels that. And I want her to fix it, and she feels that, too. And it's a lot of pressure for her, which makes her angry at me.

So, here I am, blaming her for my depression again (well, I went in there happy and left miserable -- so is it her "fault" or how can I think about this productively?) and I wish I could get her help but I don't know if I have the right to ask for it and I'm afraid if I do, I'll suffer because she'll feel overly burdened or suffocated or pressured or something and get mad and/or pull away from me.

They say you're supposed to play out your relationship problems with your T, right, and this is what I do with people, so it seems right that we be doing this. But it also seems messed up because I need her and I feel like I can't need her because she'll get mad.

Does this make any sense? What should I do? How do I deal with this? I can't wait till Monday to see her. I feel so screwed up and alone.




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