Posted by Elle2021 on February 27, 2004, at 1:54:33
In reply to ((((Elle))))) » Elle2021, posted by crushedout on February 26, 2004, at 23:58:33
So all this started quite by accident then, that's interesting. Do you think you cut this time because you wanted to upset your therapist or get a reaction out of her?
I'm not sure if you've read my threads about my cutting, but I started really young. My reason was usually a way to express my frustration due to what I perceived as unfair punishments from my parents. IMO, virtually everything I did warrented a punishment. I could never do anything right. It frustrated me so much. When I was in middle school and highschool, I did beauty pageants. I can remember my mother constantly railing the way my body looked. She never said I was fat or anything, but she made these comments about me looking somewhat deformed in this orange top. She said it just didn't look "right" on me and for that matter, nothing did. I still remember the incident word for word. And it hurts to even think about it. I don't mean to rail my mother here, I love her, but she said some things to me that really hurt. That is another reason I think I cut. I feel that in some way I am truly deformed. I even went so far as to go to a plastic surgeon to talk about it and he asked me straight out of no where if I was seeing a psychiatrist for all this. I was... Ugh.
>My T was angry and pressing me for reasons.She wanted to know what I was feeling, what I was getting out of it.
It's so annoying when they ask the same question repeatedly and I just don't have the answers she wants. I know they think I'm trying to avoid the question, but in reality, I just really don't know what I feel.
I don't think I get anything out of cutting aside from feeling like I have been properly punished. I seem to be unable to just feel bad about something and then let it go.
>I think I sort of liked it. Maybe in a sort of masochistic way.
Is it the pain you enjoy? Do you feel really numb, so in order to feel something you SI? Sometimes that's the reason I do it. Other times, I depersonalize, so then I self injure to reassure myself that I am awake and real. This has been the trend for me lately, as I have been depersonalizing more than usual as of late.
>She said it made her realize that before we get into exploring my fantasies about her, we have to make sure I have enough coping skills to handle it.
I definitely agree with her on that. It might not be a good idea to delve into your fantasies about her without having a healthy way to cope with them. I just really hope for you that this is something you can stop since you just recently started. It is a highly addictive behavior.
>Then she gave me a chart to keep track of my feelings and urges to cut.
Thats a good idea, I think I'm going to try it. Do you mind describing the chart? I think that would be really helpful.
>And a referral for a psychopharmacologist.
For meds? Some of the meds that control impulses are said to be somewhat helpful for SI-ing.
>I think the point of the chart was to help me figure out other ways to cope, but I almost took it as her giving me permission to cut more, as some kind of research.
Probably research on your motives for cutting. Perhaps you should not only list the time you had the urge to cut, but also the motivation for it. i.e. an argument with a spouse, child etc.
>So, I did tonight, only a little. But just to see how it made me feel. Then I wrote it down on the chart. It made me feel better. Nothing else I tried did.
What else did you try first? Sometimes I find taking an anti-anxiety helps me to calm down enough to resist the urge. Did you cut tonight just to see how it would make you feel or was there another more specific reason. I try to identify why I'm getting the urge to cut. Tonight, I admit, I ran my fingernails down my leg. I was upset about my cowardness and my fear of calling my T. Plus I was having a bad OCD day and I needed a "punishment."
> I'm sorry you're depressed also, Elle (I'm so freaking self-absorbed I didn't even say this in my last post -- more self-flaggellation, which is simply more self-absorption -- ugh).
Don't feel self-absorbed. I tend to feel that way too. You probably notice I give a personal experience in virtually every post I write. That's because I usually am able to understand people by first relating their problems to myself. I hope that doesn't come across as self-absorbed. I am sometimes, but I think everyone is at some point.
> Do you know why? (if you feel like talking about it -- if not I understand -- besides, it's so hard to know why)
I'm really not sure why I'm depressed. I have Dysthymia, so the depression is always there. This time, I think I'm just unhappy with my life altogether. I'm overly tired and school work seems to be never-ending. I get overwhelmed so easily. I really feel like I should have a job, but everytime I get one, I quit 3-4 months later.
> anyway, it helps to have each other to write to, doesn't it? well, it helps me when you write to me. makes me feel less alone. so thank you.
Makes me feel less alone too. :) Thanks for being there. By the way, I realize I have asked you tons of questions in this post. Please don't feel like you have to answer every single one of them. Don't answer the ones that make you feel uncomfortable. But, I would love to hear your answers.
Elle
poster:Elle2021
thread:317484
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318128.html