Posted by Karen_kay on November 26, 2003, at 7:39:41
In reply to Re: Follow up » Karen_kay, posted by DaisyM on November 25, 2003, at 22:13:54
> Karen -- PRINT OUT YOUR LAST POST AND TAKE IT WITH YOU to your next session!!!!
<<<I did.. and I will read it. But, I'm not sure if the Perfect Client would belong to a message board, so I'll write it in my journal. Another thing that scares me is that he'll say, "Well, you're not perfect." I know I'm not perfect but I try so hard to uphold the illusion. I'm not ready for it to crash just yet. I'm going to go through some old posts as well and print them out to let him read. I don't think I'm read to say them. I'll try to make him read them. In the past though, when I've tried to make him read something I've had a hard time saying he has refused. I take that as him saying I don't care. So, I just don't share the info. We'll see what happens. I'm fairly certain he knows all of this by now though.
> You are so articulate and clear here - so much you say is the hard stuff. The real stuff. It can't be easy to type all this. You've obviously been honest with yourself about all of this. Life doesn't have to hurt. I have done and do, everything you listed -- being perfect is what I do best. It sounds like for a long time you haven't had memories of stuff, but I have. I choose to ignore them, until *they* refused to be ignored anymore. The reasons it all came up are complicated but i find myself wishing I had dealt with this in my 20s, not at 40.
<<I am glad that I started dealing with this now, instead of later. My GP suggested I start seeing a therapist when I told him I SI (which I haven't in over 3 months).. So, it started from constant anxiety, and other issues, especially the fact that I saw a lot of my mother in myself and that really scared me. But, what at first glance appeared to be psychosis is now quite possibly PTSD (which sounds a lot better to me)...It is not really that hard to admit these things here, because no one knows me. And, I already know it about myself. It is hard to admit these things to my therapist. I just don't feel so "perfect" if I admit that I'm not, you know?
> You're strong. You will get through it. There is nothing wrong with humor, BTW. It helps relieve the stress.Somehow being on my own for Thanksgiving sounds pretty inviting. Pretending to be OK for family is so hard...<<I know, it may not be so bad being alone for Thanksgiving. I still may end up seeing my sister who lives an hour away. If I do end up going, I would only see her for a day. The problem is, my boyfriend. If I go see her, I ruin her plans of going to see my mom. So, I don't want to mess up her plans. I'd rather lie to her and say I'm going with my boyfriend so she can see my mom and other sister than only see her for a day. And, I don't feel like putting on the "stupid, happy face" for my boyfriend's family. I feel like he's jerking me around on purpsoe just so I'll go with him. Forget that! I'll stay home alone and eat rice:) I'm stubborn!
Thanks Daisy, so much hun!
poster:Karen_kay
thread:283277
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20031123/msgs/283978.html