Posted by anacarin on September 19, 2012, at 21:39:21
In reply to anger with God, posted by markwell on November 19, 2011, at 9:55:13
I am anacarin (new) and this is my second post here so forgive if I wander off base at all. I realize nine months have passed since the final post and that it is conceivable no one will ever read this but the subject is so dear to my heart and there is such a different feel between Mark asking the question at the beginning and answering same for himself at the end that I am going to write out my own feelings and observations for the catharsis of it. They speak to Scott's major point that none on us is alone (or even that unique) and that there are lots like us in the same place of questioning at the same time.
About the time I entered menopause I found myself doing something I named "howling at the moon". Over time I realized it happened at least once a month and seemed to often coincide with the full moon. One time my business partner and I were in the car about 45 minutes or more from home. This was after driving half an hour and I had been yelling at her who knows how long. She could never deserve yelling at, steady as a rock and very peaceable, and it would be years before I would be able to face, and more years than that be able to admit, first to others and much later to a very few trusted folks that it was God who really was the object of my ire. One time I was alone yelling at God in my bathroom and I totally lost my voice for a period of time.
Shame (the basis of many of my problems in life), kept me from speaking about it so long and ever, with the right folks, that my dealing (and not dealing) with it went on many years.
This could end up being a very long post -- no point if never to be read -- but I had always been, hmm, the word codependent with God comes to mind, not sure it's accurate but I mean it in terms of my relationship with Him being important to me individually since about age 5, and very privately because most people would not have been aware I considered it so deeply.
Most recently I've had a breakthrough I never in a million years would have thought would be my experience, but I faced that my religion (one of those purporting to be the ONLY ONLY ONLY TRUE -- TRUE -- TRUE church (and I know just about every religion proclaims that)wasn't true enough (meaning that there were other truths they weren't interested in proclaiming that I knew and was exposing myself to). Quick on the heels of that (once I had shared with about five others over several weeks time which quickened my absorbing that, yes, that was me and that was really what I had done, I thoroughly rejoiced that I no longer placed or allowed anyone else to place themselves between me and God. I know I am loved, unconditionally -- an amazing concept -- and I find I am reminded and comfortable with knowing I love God, with all my mind, heart, soul and strength. I was struck frozen in place upon hearing someone say she did not understand why anyone could complain when they could praise.
I find there are still moon cycles yet remaining and do my best to stay aware of my thoughts, feelings, hormones and especially HABITS so that I can be found praising rather than complaining in that loud howling voice I remember having.
So let me say then, Sayanara. Again, I am anacarin