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Re: Bad day

Posted by Nadezda on November 17, 2008, at 18:55:00

In reply to Bad day, posted by Nadezda on October 27, 2008, at 14:56:40

This protracted not-connecting or arguing between my T and myself is beginning to pull me into depression.

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't want to leave the relationship, because it's been one of the foundations of everything I've done for the last eight or so years. But it seems hopeless.

I tend to be late for things, including my appointments with him. I used to be much later than I am now. Now I'm often 5 or 6 minutes late. I used to be often 10-15 minutes late. A lot of it is due to my problems sleeping-- I often would get little or poor sleep and wake up feeling exhausted or barely awake. and I would sit at the computer barely feeling able to get up, much less go out. I know this isn't a good thing-- my sense that I don't want to go anywhere and that nothing is really that important. But it's how I feel. It could be a side-effect of the anti-depressants. It started when I first started parnate, which made me overwhelmingly tired, and caused me to sleep off and on all day. But I'm taking different ones now-- and this sense of indifference remains. Possibly, it's a new manifestation of the depression I've felt for these last years-- before I started seeing him. And it hasn't gone away. Life out there just doesn't seem worth it-- even if I wish it did. So I would sit there sort of in a dazed exhausted way. And I would be late.

He says now that this is to prove that he's useless-- that it's all some sort of ruthless tactic to prove that no one can help me-- and that I have no respect for anyone. He's been saying this over and over and over for months. I've been much more on time for the last few weeks, but even if I'm five minutes late, he gets angry, and I myself feel that it's such a failure and such a sign of my ineptitude and uselessness that I get depressed before I reach his door. then we have a fight, in which he says again how rude and arrogant and contemptuous I am, and I feel desperate and say things that apparently seem argumentative or insulting-- while I, in my own mind, am mostly trying to defend myself. When I say I'm sorry to be late, or try to explain various specific things that get in the way, he says I'm taunting or mocking him. If I say I'm not, he gets angrier. If I say I'm trying, he says he doesn't care. And that he has no proof that I"m trying, so that my saying this doesn't mean anything--and even that it doesn't matter that I'm doing better. The only thing that matters is if I come on time.

And yet somehow I can't mobilized myself to be on time. I guess it--or I-- really am hopeless. I really don't know. I don't know how many times he's said--in response to my trying to tell him how I feel about the things he says, or the situations I'm having trouble with-- that he doesn't care how I feel, or, if I get visibly upset, that "now you're feeling sorry for yourself,"

He tells me to "get out" and that "the appointment is over"-- frequently-- because I don't know what he wants me to say-- and he takes that as disagreeable-- or because I say I don't agree with something he's said-- and that I"m just argumentative-- he says that all the time.

It doesn't make sense to me, really. I know I can be difficult, and sometimes I am argumentative-- but most of this doesn't feel as if it's really about me. I can't make sense of what he says--about me-- or what he wants me to accept-- that I'm mean-spirited, and hateful and that these descriptions aren't judgments, but just "statements of fact." Yet I don't feel as if I"m a mean-spirited person. I feel often afraid of people, and fearful that they won't like me, or will judge or otherwise not think well of me. He says this is another sign of my mean-spiritedness, and that my fear is a "lie" or just a pretext to justify my not treating people well-- and not letting them help me.

I really don't know why I"m writing this, except as some sort of record, but I have no one to talk to. When I tell my boyfriend, he gets annoyed with me-- because he wants this relationship (with my T) to work out, and he's busy with his own work and projects and doesn't have time to discuss things with me. Mostly, my bf and I get along well-- it's this, mostly, that's a source of friction-- but I often am so upset by the appointments that I do need to talk to someone. And it's been getting worse in the last month or two. I guess it doesn't sound as bad as it is, when it's happening. But it is really awful, at least it feels that way to me. That's all I'm actually sure of.





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poster:Nadezda thread:859497