Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem | about self-esteem | Framed
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Bad day

Posted by Nadezda on October 27, 2008, at 15:56:40

I'm having a really bad day. I really can't figure out what's the matter with me. My T seems to think I'm one of these people who gets a lot out of having problems. And maybe I am. I really don't know. I sort of think it's not that-- but he keeps hammering away at it, relentlessly. I can't say that I'm not sort of argumentative and d on't stick to the rules well. I don't live a very regimented life, or handle lots of situations well.

but I also find this endless stream of invective sort of wearing. I really do'nt feel like going in for a while. I imagine he has my best interests at heart and knows what he's doing. If I suggest anything else, it's even more evidence that I have contempt for people and feel as if I know more than they do, so I suppose I really shouldn't have this thought, but it seems he's miscarrying a bit by going on and on without any pause in between. We do have some good days, but they're just better than the bad days-- I'm still really lost and don't know what he wants me to say-- it feels as if all I can say if, I'm awful, I have contempt for everyone, and think I know it all, and am ruthless and lawless and won't reform. But if that's all true, then admitting everything doesn't get me anywhere, since the only conclusion is that I just don't feel like it and since I don't, I might as well give up. It's not as if therapy will make me "feel like" doing things, if I'm lazy or obstinate, or self-indulgent-- or just love negativity,

I really feel rather dragged down by the whole thing. Maybe I should stop therapy. He seems to think that I"m wasting his time, and is always threatening to end appointments early. Sometimes I just give in-- and decide I don't want to argue with him about it, and leave. He pages through his appointment book, or looks at his blackberry ostentatiously, I guess to show me that he has no more respect for me than I have for him, or -- like, "see, this is what you do to people. So how do you like it"-- or some such thing. On days when I'm already not feeling so great, I just don't have the energy not to fall into feeling quite hopeless.

I really think I need better anti-depressants, but I also think I've got about the best mix I possibly could-- under the circumstances.

I'd say my self-esteem is really bad today. Of course he thinks it's all some manipulation to avoid having to take responsibility, I really don't know what it is. But I kind of doubt that it's just that.





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Psycho-Babble Self-Esteem | Framed

poster:Nadezda thread:859497