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Re: Should I be concerned? regarding my weight? Kath

Posted by Quintal on April 6, 2008, at 19:47:48

In reply to Should I be concerned? regarding my weight?, posted by Kath on April 6, 2008, at 18:49:28

I've been thinking of posting on exactly the same topic for a few weeks now. Like you, I'm naturally very thin and I was quite delighted at watching the scales go up the first time I went on meds. My pdoc has hinted that he thinks I might have an eating disorder in the past because I was 'too thin'. Actually I was a healthy weight, but I think they're so used to seeing obsese people that if you're thin they automatically suspect 'eating disorder'. Well, that's the problem I'm having now. I weighed about 9st10lb back in December after months of not eating during a manic episode. I was put on Zyprexa and now my weight has crept up to 11st2lb, and I *HATE* it. Every time I spot my huge pot belly in the mirror I feel so fat and disgusting. I loved the way my stomach was flat and sexy back in December and now I feel like such a slob. Apparently I have a BMI of 23.3, so I'm not yet clinically overweight, although my waist is now a staggering (and hideous) 38" of blubber. 40" is the danger zone for diabetes and heart disease, so it's not just about vanity - I actually feel really heavy and unhealthy at this weight. My pdoc is suggetsing I try Depakote the next appointment, but I don't want to, in fact I'm dead against taking anything that will increase my weight right now.

Anyway, my point is that off meds, I have no appaetite and rapidly become skeletal. One time when I quit Klonopin I lost nearly a third of my body weight in a very short space of time. I remember washing myself in the shower and being surprised to find that my stomach was totally flat and taut. It felt wonderful to be able to run my fingers along the edgde of my pelvic bones and see and feel all the definition there. I felt terrible, but in another way I also felt a thrill of power at having such enormous control over my body. I've always struggled to maintain a reasonable body weight, and I feel so much better when I'm starving. Once when I was in America aged about 7, an elderly couple offered their condolences to my aunt and uncle because they thought I was dying of anorexia. It really scared them, and it upest me too. Again, I can't help but think this is another example of people being so used to obesity that a healthily thin person seems unhealthy.

I've always figured that being male was the only thing holding me back from Anorexia. The waif look just isn't attractive on a man, but if it was, there'd be no stopping me. If I was born a girl I'm certain I'd have a full-blown eating disorder by now. Still, I don't think I actually have one, but at times (like now) I do feel tempted to give in to my instinct to starve and purge myself.





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