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Re: Holy Basil Rocks!)))Morgan

Posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 19:42:34

In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!)))Morgan, posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 16:26:08

Thank you so much for relating your story to me. I really do appreciate it. I am sincerely empathetic. We're close in age. I'm 39 years old, born in April, 1971. You've been through hell, and I know what that is like. When you reach that breaking point, your whole life seems to unravel, thread by thread. I mean, I lost my girlfriend of one and a half years. I lost my job of 5 years. I lost all of my friends, except two of them. And I lost my apartment, where I lived for over two years on my own. I enjoyed living on my own. It was new for me, and I had good memories there that I won't forget. In fact, I remember the first day in my new place and how quiet it was. It was exciting. I wasn't lonely. I was free. But now, I'm back to living with my family, who I love, but would rather be on my own. And I hate the town I live in. It's too congested. I like the country, peaceful, quiet, that's my idea of living.
I wanted to ask you, have you made any new relationships since this all happened to you? Any new girlfirends? My doctor would like to see me socialize more, but I find it difficult due to my social withdrawal. I used to date. I liked it, in fact. It made me feel a part of someone else's world. It enriched my life to be with someone else. To not be lonely anymore. I hope to forge new relationships one day, and I hope the same for you.
I lost my girlfriend, Lisa, because I started to become manic and delusional. One evening while walking together in the park, she noticed that I had a woman's ring on my right hand. She asked me why I was wearing it. I told her that it made me feel better, as if it had some magical properties. She laughed nervously, and I think after that incident is when she decided not to see me anymore. I never thought of her as someone I would marry, but she was a dear friend of mine. We had a lot of good times together, and I really miss her.
So you've been in and out of the hospital for your illness? Not getting the right diagnosis, huh? I didn't get the diagnosis of bipolar/schizophrenia until 2006. Years ago, I was just diagnosed as having depression and anxiety. But back then, I had no psychosis. I wonder what took so long for the psychosis to appear? I was committed only once for nine days. Because I have social anxiety, that was a nightmare for me. I didn't like sharing a room with someone else, and I didn't like the group meetings. I was scared to death back then. I really didn't know what was happening to me. All I knew is that one day, I woke up in my apartment, and I was hearing voices talking to me and shouting at me all day long. The only time I didn't hear them was when I was asleep. It was the most annoying, anxiety-provoking period of my entire life. There are three different voices that I hear. Two of them are men, and one is a woman. They changed with time. Initially, they were confusing. They talked about religion a lot, and one was the devil cursing at me and taunting me. Now, they are just voices of people that I worked with at the pharmaceutical company. Today, I realize the voices are just Me, just parts of my personality. They are curious like little children, sometimes angry, but mostly comforting, thanks to the medication. If I'm relaxed, so are they. I really don't know why they are there in the first place. They just started talking one day, and they haven't shut up since. I laugh about it sometimes because they are like children, trying to make me laugh all the time. I know it's weird, but I don't know how they came to be.
You said you don't feel too well nowadays. What is bothering you the most nowadays? You said you miss the physical endurance you had years ago, being able to lift a lot of heavy things and working out. I have fatigue problems too. I believe you'll get your endurance back one day, maybe not 100% , but it will get better.

You said you were experiencing a lot of stress on your physical body from all of that heavy work and working out, and of course, being stressed out. There is a definite connection between mind and body. When the body is stressed the mind breaks down too. I think that is what happened to me also. My job was very physically demanding as well. I was a laboratory animal technician. I did it for 5 years. I think my physical body just wore out and my mind, which was already fragile, started to reach that breaking point. And then when I lost my job, I was so distraught, and then the voices came after that.
Yeah, it's been a rough road for me these last six years. After reading your story, I feel honored that you would share it with me. Thank you so much for telling me about yourself. I'd like to hear more whenever you feel like it. Stay well, Morgan.

~Lao~



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poster:Lao Tzu thread:951856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20100703/msgs/953542.html