Posted by morgan miller on July 6, 2010, at 16:18:56
In reply to Re: Holy Basil Rocks!)))Morgan, posted by Lao Tzu on July 6, 2010, at 10:56:14
Do you still at least take a lower dose of fish oil or can you not take it at all? I started taking it ten years ago when I was 27 because I heard through my mom that it could help with depression and anxiety. At the time I did not know I was bipolar(like I said before, for several reasons, I should have been aware of it or made aware of it) and I was taking l00 mg of Zoloft which was working quite well. I found that after a week of taking fish oil, back then it was a fairly low dose, I just felt better, functioned better, and had more energy.
I find that fish oil and holy basil have the most noticeable benefit. And then maybe glycine, magnesium, and taurine for sleep. I'm not a huge fan of melatonin-too powerful and effect is too inconsistent.
I exercised for years and it was crucial for managing anxiety, mood, and depression. I'm an athlete and had suffered a few fairly significant injurie(one from a bad car accidentI) so my body and my sensitive brain/physiology needed moderate to intense exercise over the years. I'm one of those people that gets VERY high off exercise. All of the right endorphins and other chemicals would kick in at full force, especially when I was feeling well and on a medication that was working for me. Unfortunately, things have been different nowadays, which is one of the reasons why I am struggling so much more. My body is simply a complete train wreck(my brain is too, bad combination..wish I had one or the other so I could more easily work on one or the other). When I was 33 and working at an elementary school I started working for a friend's moving company during my summers off. After my second summer at 34 I started realizing how much my body had suffered from this type of work. I was a maniac out there and doing things guys my size just would not normally do. I contribute my bad decision to do this type of work partially to my bipolar(at the time I still did not know I was). I also know that my childhood and the role my parents played or did not play was big reason why I did not take care of myself and protect myself like I would have liked to. I actually also contribute the development of my bipolar genetic predisposition to my childhood experience. I am a true believer in the bio-psycho-social model.
Anyway, I am not doing well in so many ways-physiological, chemical, spiritual, and physical-in such a short short period of time. I can not believe I felt well enough and strong enough to do the kind of hardcore go go go, sprint up and down stairs, and move ridiculously heavy pieces of furniture just a few years ago. I know I'm 37 now but I am pretty sure other things are at play here.
At the beginning of the summer of 2007 when I was 34 and just before I started my second round of moving work, I ran out of Zoloft one day and didn't have the money to refill it so I decided I would try to get off it cold turkey. After 5 days and some intense withdrawals I was feeling pretty good and really thought this was the end of medication for me. My first time out at the bars I definitely felt a little off. I just was not as comfortable as I usually was. I'm quite the social butterfly and extrovert. I also noticed I did not react the same way to alcohol. I did not have as much of a tolerance and did not seem to get as good a buzz. The next few times I went out I felt more comfortable and reacted better to drinking alcohol. At this point I was really beginning to believe that I no longer needed medication and I could function and live normally without it. I started noticing toward the end of the summer and beginning of the fall, I was becoming more anxious and depressed and obsessive compulsive. I started back at the elementary school and started psychology courses at the local community college. I was feeling o.k. but noticed feeling more on edge and uptight than normal. I simply did not feel as comfortable or as stimulated as I was used to feeling. I was also realizing at the time that I had to have a conversation with my ex girlfriend about how I felt about her and what I wanted to do to maybe try to reignite the relationship we had-or really never were able to continue to have. My getting my act together and much of the stress of the previous few years had much to do with my ex girlfriend(I played in a grungy punk rock band and lived in la la land for several years up until about 32 when I started to try to deal with reality more and grow up.) As the fall progressed I began to notice that some of the physical issues resulting from the moving work just were not going away. I was also noticing physical issues that I had not noticed during the summer or even at the end of the summer. I think I was just moving so much and running on endorphins and adrenaline that I could not feel the damage I had done. I would work a hard 9 hour day and go straight to the gym and work out pretty hard. I think working out and stretching after moving work was actually a good thing, but I was taking it too far and doing some heavy lifting some of those days. By the time the middle of October rolled around I was becoming increasingly stressed over a few things, mostly dealing with the ex and the condition of my body, college courses were secondary to these. Halloween weekend my roommates threw a party. I ended up drinking more than I had planned. I was about to go to bed when I heard people yelling and screaming. I knew I should just ignore it and go to bed but I put my shoes back on and went downstairs to check it out anyway. It turned out a friend of mine was wasted and being a total jack *ss and was instigating a fight with these young punks that crashed the party. I got between my buddy and one of the young guys and was basically attacked by the young guy and all his friends. I was exhausted and drunk and in no shape to fight back and defend myself. I took the worst beating of my life. I ended up having to drive myself to the hospital emergency room to get a huge gash under my eyebrow and above my eyelid stitched up. I remember crying while I was waiting for the doctor in the hospital bed. I was definitely shaken. I blew it off the next day and beyond convincing myself that the experience did not affect me emotionally. Well it ended up being the final trigger that helped to send me into the worst mixed episode of my life. In November I began to feel even more stressed out and started to feel periods of pretty heavy depression. I tried 5htp and I noticed that it helped immediately. Unfortunately it was not enough and may have contributed to some rapid cycling that I had never experienced before. I was also waking up every hour or so some nights, something else I had not experienced before. I was not on medication, I was feeling more and more stressed over dealing with my ex and school, I was noticing more and more how damaged my body was and how it was not recovering(including my skin that I had not protected from the sun much the past few summers-I have fairly pale skin), and I was beat up pretty bad in my own house-this was the "perfect storm" that sent me into a horrific mixed episode. The first week in December I was taking a nap during my lunch hour at work and woke up out of it in a bit of a panic. This I believe was the beginning of my mixed episode. I remember seeing images quickly flash in my mind of my life and my greatest fears-getting old and being damaged was one of my greatest fears, one that I had suppressed and escaped for quite a long time. I left work and went straight to my physician's assistant to see what she had thought about getting back on medication. I had been trying to get in with a few psychiatrists that were recommended but I had to wait a month or so to see them. I couldn't wait any longer and was in a bit of a panic and feeling desperate. My world was falling apart within me and around me. The physician's assistant put me on Lexapro. Two days later I went to see her and she gave me a script for Xanax. It ended up that the combination of Lexapro and Xanax may have worsened my mixed state. I was given the week before the holiday break started off work after breaking down and talking to my principal. I came back after the break was over but this only lasted a few days. I was very ill. At this point I applied for disability so I could take an indefinite period of time off work. Then one night at group therapy I told my therapist that I was just too uncomfortable to the unbearable point and thought it was time to go to the local private psychiatric hospital. She drove me to the hospital and I contacted family members. After the 2nd day there and some evaluation, I was told that they thought I was bipolar and needed to try Depakote and maybe Zyprexa to help take me out of a severe mixed manic episode. I contacted my therapist to ask her what she thought and her exact words were, "You are NOT bipolar". I didn't want to believe I was and didn't want to take the mood stabilizers. I was soooooo confused at this point. My therapist had a Phd. in clinically psychology and did forensic work for the Fairfax Co. police dept. just outside of D.C., so I had a good reason to trust her opinion. After my therapist spoke to the psychiatrist I was seeing in the hospital she told me that I should probably go ahead and start taking the medications. I finally gave in and started taking depakote and after 3 days and adding a little zyprexa I was back to being able to sleep for 7 to 8 hours. Before I could only sleep for 3 hours during the night and I would wake up with my mind racing stuck on obtrusive obsessive thoughts and feeling extreme agitation.
Ever since this awful life changing experience I have had five arthroscopic surgeries(both knees, both hips, and left carpal tunnel release), I fell into the deepest darkest depression of my life, I have been on 11 different medications, and I have been back to the hospital for a week at Georgetown University. The really f*ck*d up part of the six to 8 month period after my hospitalization is that my therapist continued to question my bipolar diagnosis. This made it harder for me to pursue seeing the right psychiatrist and stay on the right medications. I eventually started to get angry with her and started leaving her nasty messages. I actually screamed "F*ck off!" to her in one of the messages. This was happening in June of 2009 when I had stopped taking the medications I was on(I wasn't doing so well on them but I think they were still stabilizing me some) and about to go back to the hospital because, as usual, I could not seem to find or get into see a good psychiatrist that had a f*ck*ng clue(This one young guy I saw was an ECT specialist and wanted to try ECT on me).
So my life has been pretty unstable with some pretty damn good years, but the last 2 years and 8 months or so have been pure hell. The surgeries and medication trials put my body and my mind in a much worse state than it was before. I also stopped working out after my last hip arthroscopy when I began to sink into a very deep deep depression. I haven't really worked out at all for over a year and a half. This has contributed to the worsening of the state of both my mind and body. Yes I am a complete mess. I started working back in January at a restaurant I worked at 3 years ago. Then, 3 months ago I got another job at an organic market, sort of a "Ma and Pa" version of Wholefoods. I feel better that I am back to work but I do NOT feel well at all. I started taking generic Synthroid 3 weeks ago hoping that would help me feel better but so far it's impact has been minimal. My thyroid was on the low end of normal range and had been for a while so my doctor decided to treat me for it because I was experiencing so many of the symptoms of hypothyroidism. I feel so bad it's hard for me to get myself to work out at the gym, something I did religiously for years. No matter how hard I was working or how much sleep I didn't get, I knew what feeling really tired was but I never really experienced fatigue. Anyway, now I'm rambling on. That is much of my story.
I was definitely spoiled in the past for many years feeling fairly invincible and capable of doing many things physically that most people could not come close to. Losing this invincible feeling is definitely affecting me psychologically. I think feeling the way I did and being able to perform the way I did covered up and managed much of what was going on with me. I rode the high for a very long time. Now I have crashed and feel much worse and can do much less than the average person my age. It's not cool, not cool at all.
Morgan
poster:morgan miller
thread:951856
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20100703/msgs/953514.html