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Re: Smoothing troubled waters? » zazenducke

Posted by Dinah on July 16, 2012, at 11:34:32

In reply to Re: Smoothing troubled waters? » Dinah, posted by zazenducke on July 16, 2012, at 5:51:28

I don't at all wish for you to be blocked. Even if Dr. Bob were to come to the board, which I very much doubt, my hope is that he wouldn't do a darn thing about anything you've said about me. I've appreciated what I thought was an honest discussion of the conflict between us. I don't feel disrespected by the discussion.

I've never thought you should be permanently blocked. I don't remember thinking that about anyone in recent memory. For the most part, my belief is that a year was far too long, if the poster was willing to live by the site guidelines. And not long enough if the poster was not willing to live by site guidelines. The appropriate length of time for a block should be as long as the poster is unwilling to make an effort to follow Dr. Bob's rules. I was always in favor of a poster being allowed to request a shortening of a block after discussion with Dr. Bob, as long as Dr. Bob made some announcement of the fact. I think Dr. Bob's position has been that repeated violations of civility rules demonstrate better than words a poster's future intentions. I disagree. I think a lot of violations come from not understanding what he wishes, and/or anger at the perception that the poster is not understood by Dr. Bob. Not all, but a lot. Some come from a fundamental disagreement with the idea that speech shouldn't be entirely free. I do think it's reasonable to expect people who choose to post here to also choose to follow site guidelines.

Of course, this is currently a moot point. And even before Bob abandoned us, he seemed to be coming to a different conclusion on the matter. Perhaps because the board is smaller and was less likely to be overwhelming to him? He has never had unlimited time to administrate.

I'm sorry you don't feel like you can change your opinion of me. I know you won't believe this, but you really have little to wish changed in my overall view of you. I've been a little afraid to open your posts since I became a deputy. But my feelings to you have always been largely positive. Even when I see people I like very much feeling hurt over what you've said (whether or not you meant to hurt them), I have maintained a positive view of you. And have expressed that positive view in what I thought was a pretty open manner. Perhaps I didn't convey my opinion clearly enough.

Perhaps some of the problem comes from our differing styles of communication. You have a charmingly playful way of communicating, while I am rather literal and earnest. I can admire your style of posting without necessarily understanding you all the time. So that when you say, for example, that you are confident that I am mentally ill or mention posts that I feel rather sensitive about, I *wish* to take that in the positive sense of understanding that I suffer the same distress as many people on Babble or that you've appreciated my contributions. But I'm always a bit afraid that that's not how you intend it. Perhaps if you see me posting defensively, you could let me know if I'm misinterpreting. And I could ask you if I am afraid I am being mocked, instead of being defensive myself.

If you feel that Scott is being sarcastic towards you, and Scott is perhaps feeling defensive towards how he sees you as posting, perhaps both of you are merely responding defensively. If you start the dance over again, and keep in mind that misunderstandings might be causing defensiveness, maybe you could change the tenor of the relationship.

Even if different communication styles lead to an inability to really be in rapport with one another, perhaps we could at least manage to avoid upsetting each other to the extent possible?

If you see me currently bullying someone, I wouldn't mind if you pointed out that I might be inadvertently being less than supportive. As long as you don't prejudge my motives, I am pretty good at self examination. I do feel a bit defensive when I think someone is judging me unfairly. And I would wish that your perceptions of my past behavior not be brought up unless clearly in context. Is there anything I currently do to you that you might wish I would change?

I have been unhappy, this past many years, to be in conflict with someone I have always liked and enjoyed, if not completely understood. I'd like that to change, even if your underlying feelings about me cannot change.

 

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poster:Dinah thread:1021382
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