Posted by Dr. Bob on June 21, 2010, at 18:08:47
In reply to Re: wording of pubic 'rephrasing requests' » Dinah, posted by violette on June 21, 2010, at 10:17:47
> Is there anyway you could reword your phrases so that do not resemble parental shaming techniques?
>
> violette> As a college teacher, I try never to shame students in my classes, though I have colleagues who use it as a regular part of their pedagogy. But shaming a student for getting something wrong, or even for falling sleep, just feels creepy to me. Which is not to say I don't correct students or let them know it bothers me when the fall asleep, etc.
>
> chujoeI'm open to rephrasing my requests, what do you all think would be better?
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> The technique you have been using here is similar to shaming done by families. ... I'm triggered by the way you go about this. ... I find the way this is done to be upsetting, offending, and it may be hurtful to community members who are sensitive to this type of behavior.
>
> > (The demands of a dysfunctional shame-bound family are irrational and inconsistent, for the family only knows it is unhappy and does not know what would make things better. The child becomes the scapegoat for the family's incompetency in solving its problems-in-living.)> I had to grow up with the effects of a family member who was repeatedly shamed during childhood ... It's sad to see the effects of shaming on this person in my family, and it has affected my life in so many ways.
>
> violette> Whenever Dr. Bob gives me that ultimatum to be civil or else It reminds me of my dad letting me know he was in power.
> the shaming technique of my parents somehow lead to internalizing stressors from the tactic which eventually lead to social phobia panic attacks when in the presence of any authority figure provoked panic attacks. This has never abated and led to avoiding all such situations.
>
> bulldog2> the word "paternalistic" occurred to me ... I am pretty sensitive to this since I experienced shaming virtually every day of my life until I was 18 and went away to college.
>
> chujoeI agree, these situations certainly could be triggering for people who were shamed a lot in the past. But shaming them isn't my intent.
Neither do I see my "demands" as irrational or inconsistent. And I do know what I think would make things better: being civil and staying connected (not being blocked).
What if those goals were seen as reasonable? Then these situations would be opportunities to feel pride instead of shame and panic.
> My guess is that Dr. Bob's goal is to encourage the community to take on some of the responsibility of making sure Babble remains a place of support and education, and/or to encourage all posters to recognize that they aren't powerless with regard to Admin. I think those are actually laudable goals.
Yes, and thank you.
> But I think it actually makes it very difficult to do what he is asking. Once he makes the request, anyone who tries to say anything appears to be doing it for his sake, not for the sake of the poster(s).
>
> DinahPeople don't have to wait for me to ask. And does it have to be either-or? Couldn't they do it both for the poster and for me?
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> part of respecting others also involves being critical of one's own views and developing the ability to hear oneself as others do. ... I admit to being baffled by the seemingly arbitrary use of the moderator's power on this forum to threaten Bulldog with expulsion for describing as "arrogant" a series of remarks that were in fact arrogant while saying noting about Christ-empowered's patently ridiculous claim that "psychiatrists kill people every day.
>
> chujoeHow do others hear incivility?
If a claim is patently ridiculous, and a poster is asked for evidence:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20100528/msgs/951398.html
and doesn't reply, is it necessary for me to say anything?
> I'd like to think the members here could work stuff out among themselves, as we are all either adults or close enough. All the censoring can make ya feel like walking on eggshells.
>
> violetteIn my experience, even adults aren't always able to work things out themselves. And can be like eggshells.
Bob
"a brilliant and reticent Web mastermind" -- The New York Times
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:951716
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20100321/msgs/951771.html