Posted by Trevpr on July 1, 2013, at 21:42:49
In reply to Re: Does Apathy Ever Go Away? » antennastoheaven, posted by Phillipa on July 1, 2013, at 17:54:10
Thank you all so much for your replies! I really don't want to sound like I'm just being difficult, but I have tried Wellbutrin and Abilify already.
Wellbutrin did not seem to have any real effect even at a max dosage and after being on it for a very long period of time. The same goes for Abilify (besides giving me tremors). Neither seemed to affect my libido or anhedonia.
Ritalin was the most "helpful" drug so far, but I feel like that is just because its mechanism of action is so similar for cocaine (of course cocaine would make almost anyone "feel good" haha). The problem with Ritalin was that I kept getting a tolerance, so I had to keep escalating the dose for it to do anything. It also raised my heartrate. When it worked, it only worked for like 20 minutes, then I was irritable and craved my next dose for the rest of the day. It was also unreliable - in other words, sometimes it raised my mood (almost) to baseline (but not quite there), and other times it did not seem to do anything at all. In the end, I craved it so much, that I accidentally overdosed on it (because I had to keep escalating the dose and I was so irritable without it working).
Next, I tried adderall. It raised my heartrate too high with no effect on mood (probably because I already had a tolerance to Ritalin at that point).
I already am getting out and seeing friends and trying to do what I can to not sit around the house and such. It has been unbelievably hot out lately (these past 2 weeks) though (over 100 degrees) so I can't go for a run or anything, but I do what I can. I signed up to volunteer at a few places and have been applying for jobs. I sometimes go running when I can, but I guess if I push myself I could do more (of course, it's hard to motivate myself to go running every day, but I might end up doing that).
NRIs such as Desipramine and Vivactil did not seem to have any affect besides elevating my heart rate to uncomfortable levels, giving me panic attack symptoms. They did not seem to affect my libido or mood.
Parnate was sort of interesting... It was sort of like Ritalin at first, but, like with Ritalin, it's dopaminergic effects faded with time, and it did not have the same sort of accompanying mood boost. The Parnate had no effect until day 8 on it (somewhere around day 8 anyways). At that point, my libido went sky-high and I felt really motivated and chatty. I liked the feeling, but it wasn't the cuddly intimate emotional kind of libido that I had before the depression, nor were my emotions back, it was more along the lines of what I would imagine methamphetamine users might experience - the "screw anything that moves" without any sort of strings attached kind of libido XD
This was a good distraction from my emotional numbness and apathy, but it only lasted like a week, then I was back to square one. I escalated my Parnate dose, but each subsequent dose increase seemed to have less and less of an effect until increasing the dose started doing nothing at all. I reached 50mg and adding more seemed to do nothing at all.
After my 11 ECTs, my mood seemed to be finally improving, and almost hit baseline. I was so sure that I was getting better! Then it slowly began declining, and I'm not sure if I'm just going to be back at square one, because I'm starting to feel like I am... I really tried keeping up the momentum. I tried crying out my feelings (now that I was able to cry), running/exercising, having a healthy sleep cycle, socializing, eating healthy - you know, the works.
You know that refreshing feeling you get from crying or (maybe TMI) orgasm? That nice, tired yet satisfied happy feeling? After ECT that came back slowly after the 11 shocks, and now is slowly disappearing. I am beginning to fear that soon I will be unable to weep at all once again.
I really can't think of any psychological problems that are perpetuating the depression (numbing/no libido), and they have been my main and most distressing symptoms since the very beginning of the episode (which began over 1.5 years ago). I called up my Great Uncle who had electroshock back in the 60s before they used anesthesia and all that. He said that the meds are designed to "protect you from your feelings" and perhaps that is why I am feeling numb, yet I have felt this way even off of the meds. Perhaps I should come off of Parnate?
I would have more ECTs, but the whole process was so draining, and I wasn't seeing any improvements, so after 11 shocks, I stopped. It was a few days to a week after my last shock that I began to notice things beginning to improve - but I really do not want a treatment that I am so uncomfortable with that just barely works for like 2 weeks. I remember my mood just spontaneously changing. Like all the sudden I started getting rushes of euphoria and I felt really lightheaded like as if I had taken some illicit drug or something. It was a refreshing feeling. Then I noticed after crying I got the refreshing feeling too. Orgasm, not so much unfortunately (again, sorry for TMI).
I really would like to find a romantic partner in life, but how if it even possible without emotion, feelings of attraction, desire for intimacy, or libido? Do things just spontaneously come back after a certain amount of time (maybe like a year or two or three down the road?) or is it something that is usually permanent?
Thanks again for the replies @_@
poster:Trevpr
thread:1046180
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20130617/msgs/1046198.html