Re: my psychologist. visits the past months » rjlockhart04-08

> anways i'vve bee seeing this guy for about 2 months now...let me just get to the point ... he says even through me revealing to him that alot of my mind is in grey...and he tends to be vary good with knowing what colors represent...but he als links them to spiritual symbols...i told him all about my methamphetamine induced expieriences with spirit worlds...and I am vary aware of everything I have been doing....the only thing is he sees that I miss the point of the conversation at times and gives that look like someone is an idiot....i try to cover this up but its mental flaws that reveal my errors, no matter how hard I try to make it go away it usally reveals itself during the middle stage process of getting to know someone...usally at the end of the process they consider me easy.
> Anyways, let get the point of what I'm posting about....the doc told me that grey is color where your trapped and its linked to bad...dark sides...and that's what is drawing me to become overly intrested of the dark side and lucifer...but really this is the reason I think grey currently...because it numbs the pain of reality of errors that I've created...its like being natrially on xanax and weed together expect with no euphoria...my mind created it because it was seeking something of relief...usally grey is pessimistic too...thinking the worst may be right around the corner...and then makes jokes about it like its nothing new, and im always ready for the worst thing happen.
>
> But you know i've really thought about this, this is NOT healthy! I've got to redo my whole stucuture of thought and reason, and get all this black nasty feelings and throw it away. And I do know that if you obesses yourself with the same thought patterns and get into deep routine with thewm it can cause madness...sometimes people believe in god so hard it makes them crazy...or someone who plays chess all the time...their was a report on 60min on tv of this guy something his named was fisher..he went mad playing chess, years of hyperfocus that all his reality was....chess. So I hope someone does read this....but changing your thought patterns and structure into a better process. OCD can happen alot with people who are obessed with thoughts, and it can lead to dereailment from reality due to being hyperfocsued with one thought. High dopamine usally can cause breaks in reality bizarre behavior and thinking.
>
> if you have any input, anything....i would love to hear it. But besies that thank you for reading friend..
>
> rj

As a social worker, I've wanted to write about so many aspects of what you are going through. But, I'll take a quick shot, and please keep your mind in the here-and-now....because the past IS the past, and now it is time to focus on specific short-term goals.

I am sorry, but I don't think there is a place that is going to help you if you keep on going on about your interactions with "Lucifer", because that is not real...it is just an illusion-like by-product of your distrees. I've worked with at least 100's of addicts, and illusions like this are part of a coping mechanism...as in trying to keep your addiction tamed.

You should stick only to today, the here-and-now, to break down what you are feeling. You are all over the place, with disorganized interpersonal skills. I know your history very well on here, so please take the time to understand what I am saying...and what others are saying too. You are not a "bad" person of any sort..just one of like millions who are addicts. Now, please, I mean NO shame or anything against you when I say that. Many clients I've worked with go through a shaming, and this just makes your addiction worse.
I am certainly not 'ashamed' of you, as I see you struggling, and it proves to me you want, and are crying out for some kind of help. Sadly, our North American society suppresses feeling and expression.

Can you do a few things? Give NA, or any type of 12 step program, a start. Maybe you have, and where turned off, but this is a focal point in dealing with your addiction. You will get lots of support, and especially, get yourself a sponsor.
I know you are probably going to hate me suggesting that, saying it "doesn't work" for you, etc. But NA is an excellent support system, and you will find many doctors who back this up. I can't emphasize this enough..as this is likely your only chance to break free.

Now, about your meds. I am not an expert, but have seen plenty of clients detox *with* meds.
I think you said you are on NuVigil? (sp?) I respond well to Dexedrine, but was once briefly on the NuVigil, and it made me feel horrible. A tricyclic anti-depressant like either Nortriptyline or Imapramine can provide a safe 'boost' without all of the side effects. Once you are in a detox program your doctor might take you a little more seriously. You can go from there.

I don't like labeling people "addicts", because there is not a LOT of difference between prescribed meds and some of the street drugs. It is all mostly a matter of safety, because you never know what street-dealers cut their drugs from.

So, if you can pull up the courage, try to find a 28 day Detox program in your area. If you need help, I have social work acquaintances in your neck of the woods. And try very hard to get into a 12 step program like NA, and find a sponsor. And that way, when you are craving the meth, even if it is 3am in the morning, you can call your sponser..even if it takes 5 hours of just talking, or for them to meet you in a coffee shop or wherever. There is not likely going to be any real easy way of going through and working on your addiction. Most importantly, though, keep your focus on working through *today*..nevermind yesterday or tomorrow. And don't blame anything on 'Lucifer' or such...because that encourages psychoses. You can only control *today*..and really rely on your counsellors, and the help of other 12 step group members.

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens."

Woody Allen

Re: my psychologist. visits the past months » rjlockhart04-08

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