Posted by floatingbridge on July 30, 2011, at 14:19:34
In reply to Cyclothymia: SLS and others. What is it?, posted by floatingbridge on July 29, 2011, at 13:36:41
I will see my new pdoc and lay it out. Not avoid any bipolar dx nor seek it. Not avoid axis ll comorbidities or seek them.
After some reading this morning, I see that Avoidant Personality really fits. This personality *disorder* dovetails with my persistent (and officially dx'd) social phobia.
Borderline fits only in certain features which are a scary ride unto themselves. They center around a sense of identity disturbance and intensity of emotion. I score off the charts on
MMPI 2 on:Lack of ego mastery
Lack of ego (cognitive)
Lack of ego (conative?)Topping the charts in no order is:
PTSD (*sigh*)
Inversion
Mental dullness
Depression
AnxietyI suspect a bipolar component, esp.given at least one ffirst degree relative with BP l. The cyclothymia may have morphed, but I don't know. Looking back, years ago, I did have hypomania exhibited by increased thoughts clicking together, increased output, lack of sleep (though desperately sought). The grandiose thing didn't happen for me. I think I just suddenly had confidence that I could *perform*, like write, work. If I have BP ll, it expresses itself as agitated or mixed (if that the proper term.). I have been low, very low for years now. I despair about ever is getting back some
functionality.Regarding mania, when I was 18, I left home and went absolutely wild. Not exactly unusual in itself. It makes some sense. But my behavior was wild and very risky, and I had no idea that it was. This stopped pretty abruptly around age
22. If that was manic, then that really was the extent of it. I was in a woman's shelter, was moved out of the area by them to avoid a stalker. I have never hurt anyone or myself
except by avoidance, neglect, and the usual human callousness of ignorance. Being now, as I see, avoidant, I would risk any confrontation possible. I was never combative,
for better or worse. I would though, for some reason, risk putting myself in harm's way for another person. I remember
during my street period of coming upon two young strong men beating an old wino in the gutter. My hair was buzzed and pink. It was three a.m. I walked up to those men and
said, hey, why are you doing to this guy? They looked at me and (in retrospect, thankfully by pure grace) looked very startled and walked away. I can't imagine having the naivety to do something like that again.So, there are times I can put my fears aside for others. The worst symptom of this last break was that I felt myself, my will to be able to protect my son slipping from me. I feel like that urge to care for him is my final anchor.
I am better than that now. I didn't really fail my son as I had feared, and feel even more sensitive to his needs than before. So recovery of some sort is possible. I am just so tired of suffering and failing.
I will just lay this all out to the good doctor. I start personal
therapy with a new therapist. I remember now that more that DBT, MBCT helped me more, and I just need to reconnect
with my good guides here.Much of this break was precipitated by a failure in my therapeutic relationship. I had seen a psychiatrist for
medication and therapy. It really fell apart and left me without any support and a head full of unhelpful cr*p. It also provoked the emergence of the worst reactivation of PTSD to date.Thank you for reading my frantic posts last night. I checked today, and don't think I broke the board's guideline of three posts in a row. Is that the guideline?
You all are so kind for being here. Thanks. Sorry I getbso worked up. (But I really don't fit histrionic. I just looked that up, too.)
Retiring back towards a more lurking stance,
fb
poster:floatingbridge
thread:992265
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110728/msgs/992327.html